Friday, December 18, 2009
These past 2 weeks...have been filled with final exams, clinicals, presentations, teaching, traveling, being sick, and working. My plate has been a little full! But I'm trying to keep it together. I got sick last Wednesday, and I'm still not feeling good. I'm mean, I'm doing tons better than Thursday. But still only at 70%. Last Thursday, I spent the entire day in bed. Pretty much from Wednesday night until Friday around noon, I was sick in bed. I slept almost 24 hours straight! It was almost too much for me to deal with.
But life is returning to "normal." Or as "normal" as you can get in the middle of the holiday season! I'm still feeling like Scrooge or the Grinch. You can pick whichever one you would like. I haven't decorated. Or baked. Or wrapped presents. I have done most of my shopping. But that is the end of my holiday preparation. I just don't know what's wrong with me this year. I need to get it together. Christmas is in days!!!
In 30 minutes or so, I will be heading to my parents' house. 3-4 hours from here. Today is their company party. And I agreed to help them get ready for it. I need to do some baking. And all of that fun stuff!!! Then Saturday, I head home. I have to work until December 23rd. Not too bad! I should be happy to have Christmas Eve through December 27th off.
I'm also counting the days until I get to see my oldest brother. In fact, I've switched a few days at work. So that I can go see him on January 4th. He will be moving back to our hometown. My parents and I are really excited! My parents are actually going to go visit him this weekend. They are going to start moving his things home.
And in case you were wondering. I did do my drawing for my giveaway. I left the giveaway open until December 10th. That morning I went to Random.org and put in 86 numbers. I can't believe I got 86 comments! The lucky number was #9. Kind of ironic. But very fun! I contacted Anna Marie and sent out her scarf on Saturday. I hope she has received it by now! I should probably check in with her. Have a wonderful weekend!
I'm just in love with this dress! Another one of Kathleen's amazing creations!!!
The colors are beautiful! Along with the scalloped edges. They really sell the dress for me!
Saturday, December 5, 2009
I can't believe it is already morning! I feel like I just got into bed. But we are on our way to a VIP event. I think my boss is losing his mind! Wanting us to perform this early in the morning, on very little sleep. No wonder the guys are drinking gallon-sized cups of coffee. Too bad I don't like coffee.
But I talked to my mom last night. Between gigs. Guess what? We ended up getting tables at both craft fairs! No lie! The band is performing until late tonight. The we leave in the middle of the night. Heading home. We are flying, if the weather cooperates with us. Then, I'm going to have to drive 3 hours. To my hometown. Because our church called late yesterday afternoon. They had a cancellation. We will do the church craft fair after all. From 8AM to 4PM! I hope I can stay awake!
Then a week from today, we are doing the other craft fair, at a local elementary school. I'm excited about that one. It will be something very different for us. We got 2 spaces. And I had already been planning that trip home.
After we get done here in Sin City, I will be very busy! I have finals this week. And lots of traveling for my internship. And now, we have 2 craft fairs! It should be fun though. I love to meet new people. And new craft people at that! If you are not doing anything, you should come by.
Friday, December 4, 2009
This morning, we went to the lighting of the Christmas tree. It was freezing! Since when is Las Vegas this cold? But it was one of those events we had to go to. In the end we had a lot of fun! And I have a feeling, had we had to stay another 30 minutes, I might have left with a boyfriend. I was that cold! I told the guys, if they could find me a guy, to keep me warm, well he could be my boyfriend. I was only joking, but they thought it was hilarious!
All day we have been on the go. And all day long, I have had my trusty bodyguard following me. He cracks me up! He really does. But I finally got him to talk to me. I offered him some coffee and a donut. I think it made his day. :) I'm telling you, it was freezing! My necklace, at one point, was stuck to my skin. Hello! It was that cold!
I talked to Anna Marie and Joe earlier. Joe is a little sad to be missing all of this. Especially since we are going to the rodeo later. But I know he would be miserable, had he come with us. Miss Emma Grace is definitely a reason to stay home! Anna Marie also told me that we got quite a bit of snow back home. I just knew it would happen! We would get snow when I left! They said we got 2". And everything just stopped. I guess there was no school. And for the most part, the region is barely able to function. We don't get much snow. This is a HUGE deal back home!
Tonight we are playing 2 shows! It's so exciting. I have had a really good time. This time around, Sin City has been really fun. Usually, we don't get to do much. But our gigs and appearances were very different than normal. We all are enjoying that. I am just sad, I haven't got a single glimpse of the NASCAR action!!! What can you do?
I should get going. I am supposed to be in hair and makeup in 30 minutes. And I still have to go try on my dresses for tonight. Fingers crossed that they fit! This morning we had a hard time finding a dress to fit me. Apparently, I lost weight. I still don't know where! But my clothes are a little big this week. :)
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Today is my parents' 21st wedding anniversary! It doesn't sound like much to some people. But I think it is a HUGE accomplishment. Especially for 2 people that got married because their daughter asked them to. I was 5 years old, and didn't understand why we didn't all have the same last name. We all lived together. How come our names were different?
My parents came around, and decided to get married. Both of my parents had been married previously. Maybe that was their hesitation to saying "I do" for the second time. I'm not sure. But they got married. On the day of our city's "Christmas Parade." My mom and I got stuck in traffic on the way. The best man, maid of honor, and ring bearer were with us. We were over 90 minutes late! But we eventually made it.
I was a huge part of the wedding. I helped me aunt pick out decorations, cake flavors, and flowers. I helped my mom pick out the colors. I was the flower girl. And the one that refused to practice the night before the wedding. But at 5 years old, I convinced my parents to take the plunge. It was a family affair. Not only did they marry each other. But they committed us, the 3 of us, to being a family. Legally bound.
Over the years, we have all hit our rough patches. There have been more than most "normal people" encounter. It tends to happen in blended families. Especially when there are 9 kids, and all their families to add in. We also had a growing business that seemed to hold more weight, than all of us put together. It definitely has demanded more time, than any person in our family has! There were times when I never thought my parents would make it to their next anniversary. But somehow, they pulled through.
21 years ago, I was 5. I wore a teal dress and cried when my parents exchanged rings. I might not have fully understood what it meant. But in my heart, I knew we were a family. We had always loved each other. But that day meant a lot. Every year, I am so proud of them. They have made it this far. We have made it this far. A second marriage, it tends to be more than just a commitment to one another. Especially in our case. I have always felt like I was an equal in the family. We have a very different family dynamic than most. This day to me, is not only their anniversary. But the celebration of our family!
Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad! I hope you have a 1000 more!
My only concerns for the week were; to perform every night for almost a week, hoping my clothes fit, getting my homework done, trying to keep up with work, and maybe catching a glimpse of the NASCAR action. I never thought I would run into an old classmate.
After we performed last night, we went to a party that our boss was throwing for some VIPs. We get paid to mingle with them. At nearly 2AM, I was beat and took a few minutes to clear my head. And I ran into a guy that I went to high school with. I almost didn't recognize him. But he recognized me. Apparently, he had been at our show.
And I was a little shocked by what he told me. "Our ugly duckling grew up to be a pretty princess." What in the world is that supposed to mean? I have never thought I was attractive. Ever! I struggled with my crazy hair, until I met the flat iron. And my makeup skills were limited to what I had to wear for cheerleading; bright pink cheeks, red lips, and blue eyeshadow. We looked like dolls! Add in the polyester uniforms, and you got what I wore 4 days a week!
But I never thought of myself as an "Ugly Duckling." I never felt like a "Homecoming Queen," but I didn't think I was doing so badly either. Apparently I was. OK, so I found out there was a bet about me. I found out just after we graduated. That was bad enough. But really, could it get worse?
I'm short. And quiet. Some people say shy. That could be true. But I just think I am quiet, unless I am around my friends. I was a major nerd in school. I still feel like one. But I don't care anymore. That's the difference. This guy, he is still stuck in high school. Wanting to be Mr. Popular again. I'm moving forward with my life.
I think I just shocked him. Because I am singing. Performing in Las Vegas. Getting to wear cute little dresses and red soled shoes. I don't know what he is up to. But my life as a performer, it is pretty fun. Granted, it's only 1% of my life. The rest of the time, I am scrapping for money and wearing scrubs. Working a 100+ hours a week! But for a few days a year, I get to be Cinderella.
I had never been so happy to be dripping in diamonds and having a bodyguard following me. It just makes me think, I am doing something right. And even if I am still the "Ugly Duckling," at least I'm having fun! At least I'm happy with the woman that I am.
I get paid to hangout with my friends. To perform and sing. I'm staying in one of the most amazing suites Las Vegas has to offer. But I am just happy with myself right now. Take away all the glamour, the Mafia poker games, the VIP friends...and I'm still happy with me. Because I know at the end of the week, we will fly home. And life will go back to normal. I'll go back to work and school. And counting my quarters to buy a box of macaroni. But still happy to be alive and making a positive difference in our world.
I also have a great group of friends. The kind that stick right next to you. The kind that catch you right before you fall in life. Maybe I don't look like a model. Or have a boyfriend. And maybe I crochet too much. But I am making a life to be proud of. Working hard. Providing a home and food for myself. I have amazing Goddaughters to love. And at the end of the day, I have more people than most that love me just like I am.
So maybe I was a nerd in school. Maybe there was a bet on me. Maybe I was not popular. And I was the only senior that didn't make it into the senior video. Heck, I don't even talk to anyone from high school anymore. But I did accomplished a lot in high school. More than just being a cheerleader and in the top 10 of my class. And since then, I have done so much more for myself!
I have chased after my dreams. Taken time to take care of my family. I have a home. A home that is mine. Not one that I have to rent. I have made the kind of friends that feel more like family. And I am getting a college education. Debt free I might add. It has not been an easy road. But it has been my road to travel. And if being the "Ugly Duckling" that finally grew up, brought me to this very place in my life, I would never change a thing. Everything in my life has shaped the woman that sits here typing today. And I'm happy with the woman that looks back at me in the mirror. All 5'0" of me! Including my very "Italian" nose!!!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
But I just got off the phone with Gabi. We decided that we are going to host a mini Giveaway Day and December 12th. The friends of mine that wanted to participate in the Giveaway Day, but missed the deadline, all had made an item. And they still want to give it away! If you are interested in entering one of these giveaways, come back to my blog on December 12th, and I will have the links up. Here is what we have so far:
Me: A crochet ornament set
On My craft Blog: A Holiday Kitchen Set
Gabi: An Apron
Crafty Mom: Doll Pin Cushion
Kate: Tote Bag
If you would like to be added to our list, post a comment or send me an email. Don't forget to come back, so you can see these wonderful items. And you can enter to win!
P.S. Don't forget to check out Sew, Mama, Sew! for all the links to the Giveaway Day! Good Luck!!! ♥
Scarf and Hat
I am hosting a giveaway for this hat and scarf set. Made by me. I used I Love This Yarn in the color light sage. Sorry about the picture quality. I couldn't find my camera. I used my cellphone. I'm trying to find my camera to upload better quality pictures. :)
Scarf up close
To enter the giveaway, all you have to do is leave a comment below. Please, only 1 per person. Don't forget, to leave a way for me, to contact you in your comment. Or a link to your blog. Just a way for me to contact you if you are the winner. The contest will be open from December 2, 2009 at midnight until December 9, 2009 at 11:59PM MST. I just want to give everyone plenty of time to enter. Only people leaving in the USA are eligible at this time.
Hat up close
If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to ask me. I will be using Random.org to pick a winner on December 10th. Good luck everyone!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I originally found Sew, Mama, Sew! in May. Just after their May Giveaway Day. I was reading a blog and happened to click on a link to Sew, Mama, Sew! I began looking around and saw the post about the Giveaway Day. It sounded like such a fun idea! I started to tell a few of my "Crafty Ladies" about it too.
We have had some serious issues with mail around here. And then life just took over. But a month ago, I happened to be searching for some gift ideas and found myself back at Sew, Mama, Sew! I read a post that included a little bit of information about Giveaway Day. But there wasn't much on there. Just some basic rules.
I planned on making a scarf and hat set. Even me, who lives in the desert southwest, wears scarves and hats. I headed over to Hobby Lobby and picked out a pretty green yarn. To be honest, I had no clue what color to buy. I asked a lady who was also buying yarn. She really liked the green because it is a neutral color. You can wear it with many different outfits. And I planned on getting crafty when I went home for Thanksgiving.
It didn't take long. I had the set complete on Thanksgiving night. I worked on it off and on while making dinner. Then after we all ate, while we sat and chatted, I finished up the scarf. I was very happy with myself. I actually want to make a set for myself!
I had been religiously checking Sew, Mama, Sew! daily. That was until I made my way home for the holiday. Then it was all about family. I logged onto the computer to check work e-mails and to post a couple of tweets. But that was it. Until tonight.
When I came back home, I just got back into work and classes. I really hadn't had a chance to look at any of my favorite blogs or websites. But since I hadn't seen a revised post for Giveaway Day, the weekend before Thanksgiving, I just figured that all I had to do was post on my blog and send them a link. I didn't realize there was a deadline. But Gabi called me, a little upset. We missed the deadline. We were supposed to e-mail Sew, Mama, Sew! by this past Sunday. :(
I am still going to host my giveaway tomorrow. I will send them an e-mail. If I get added to the list...GREAT! If not, well it wasn't meant to be. I am trying to encourage the other 4 ladies that I know, to still host their giveaway. I was also planning on hosting a giveaway on my Craft Blog. So stay tuned. I will let you know about those other giveaways right here. Gabi has a cute apron that she made. You might want to come back to see when she decides to host a giveaway for it! And I am still planning my other giveaway. It is a Holiday Kitchen set, pot holders, dishcloths, and dish towels. If you are interested, check back in!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
I don't know what is going on with my blog. As you know, I post every single day. I don't know where my posts are! I post. They show up for a few hours. Maybe a day. Then they disappear. I have been trying all kinds of things. I hope this actually posts!!!
When I go to edit the posts, it shows them as being posted. I can see them posted. But when I try to look at my blog from another computer, it doesn't work. :( I am working on it. Let's see what happens. I have all of my posts saved as word documents. I hope I don't have to repost everything! That is a lot of blog posts. I started this in July!
Let me know if you can see my entire blog. All of my posts. Oh, and if you want to follow me on twitter, just send me a request. I have gotten a lot of questions about that. I hope you have a great week!!!
Friday, November 27, 2009
We take all of our crafts. Everything ranging from sewing to crochet. And everything in between! And we take a HUGE spread of baked goods. The money we make from the baked goods and candy, we donate back to the church. Just a little "Thank You."
Since 2001, I have made the 3 hour drive north. Sometimes, just for the day! But we want to support our church. We belong to a really good church. And everyone is like family. My mom and I don't do it to make money. If we make money, great. If not, we still helped the church. We never care where our tables are located. We have been everywhere from the front to right next to the door, in a corner! This is the only Craft Fair that we participate in. Some years, they have had 3 (Christmas, Valentine's Day, and Mother's Day.) Other years, there is just the Holiday Craft Fair. It just depends.
A while back, my mom got the information in the mail. And called right away. They were already out of tables! We couldn't believe it. Although, we don't count on the Craft Fair to make money, we really enjoy going. You get to meet new people. You see people that you haven't seen in months. The food is amazing. And I just enjoy seeing people happy when they buy something from us.
But after making crafts all year, this will be the first time we are not in the Craft Fair. One of the ladies from church, was really upset. My mom and her got to talking about a week ago. In fact, many people had been asking about us. Wanting to buy some crafts. Because we honestly don't sell our items for a lot of money. Sometimes, we just cover our supply cost. Patsy was so upset because we didn't get a table. She told us, that she didn't understand why they wouldn't set our 2 tables aside. We are the only people that participate in every Craft Fair. I'm not sure. But it got us thinking.
I heard on the radio, while stuck in traffic, that there was going to be a Craft Fair at a local school. It is 6 days later. And if all these people were counting on our crafts, why not try a new place. It doesn't hurt to expand, right? My mom called the number tonight. But we have to wait until Monday. If I am not mistaken, the tables are slightly cheaper. :)
This has also made me think, I need to open up an Etsy shop. I have been debating that for about 3 years. But it would give people a place to find us. I know my mom's Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls are so popular. And we are always being contacted to make Baptismo outfits. I need to open a shop already!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!! There is so much to be Thankful for. For the most part, I have my health. I also have a wonderful family, that I get to come home to. We are able to go and buy food to eat. And we have a roof over our heads. With heat. Things that I don't always have in my own home. I have learned that there is so much to be grateful for! Things that I took for granted as a kid; food, heat, and having money.
But never in my life have I lacked for love. Maybe there were times when I would have traded someone else's love, for a bit more from my parents. But I have never been someone who has lacked in love. My Auntie Chuchie taught me so much as a kid. Much more than I have probably ever learned from another single person. About love, kindness, and giving. Not once did she ever turn you away, or was stingy with anything. Especially food.
On this day especially, I miss her. I miss my Uncle Al. I miss my grandma. But I also realize that these are the people that have shaped the woman that I am. Those experiences with them. The love they shared with me. I will forever be grateful for them. To this day, I find myself remembering the silly things we did together.
Thanksgiving is much more than a turkey and mashed potatoes. Even more than the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Much more than the pumpkin pie. It is about family and friends. About honoring old traditions and making new ones. It is a time to celebrate your family, and show each other how much you love one another. And although I will only see a very small amount of my family today, they are all in my hearts! Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Our Plan for the Day
I have been up for hours. I have 3 loafs of pumpkin bread in the oven. And Tom the Turkey is ready to go into the oven next. He is sitting on the counter. All stuffed with yummy veggies, herbs, and citrus. I also used 2 sticks of butter with tons of seasoning. Tom got a butter massage. :)
My mom and I baked pies last night. Oh, and we had to go to the store for some grocery shopping. The grocery store was a bit crazy! And we had to go to 4 stores to find a ham. It was kind of funny. To be honest, I would rather eat ham than turkey for Thanksgiving. But we cook both. All the running around last night, will pay off today when we get to eat.
Actually, we usually cook a ton and a half of food. But this year, my parents and I had planned to go to the mountains. They have property across the road from my grandparents. We were going to go spend the holiday out there. My grandparents are moving to my hometown in the Spring. This would be our last holiday together out there. But a HUGE snow storm is supposed to be on the way. And I have to be back at work this weekend. Total drive from the mountains to where I work, 6 hours. Not considering the snow. My mom thought it would be better to stay home. Their home. Still a 4 hour drive to work. Mostly through the desert though.
We usually have all our family over. But our plans changed last minute. Like Tuesday night. We are only expecting 40 people or so. My older twin brothers, one of their wives, and a few of my nieces and nephews. The rest are friends. And we don't expect everyone at once. But we are cooking a turkey and a ham. It will be more than enough. I can barely pick up either of them. I think we got the biggest turkey at the meat market!
Another big difference this year, I am not baking bread. I always make bread. My grandma gave me her recipe about 15 years ago. Since I was really little, we would bake together. Then as I got older, I became the baker. But this year, well there was no time. And honestly, I am wiped out from school and work. We bought a bunch of the crescent rolls in a can. I can almost guarantee, no one will notice! OK, maybe the trash can will. I have 10 tubes to bake!
I should get back to my cooking. My dad already left for the office. To do, who knows what. My mom is still sleeping. And my pumpkin bread has 10 more minutes in the oven. Maybe I can take a quick nap. I only slept for an hour and a half last night!
I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I am in college. A medical student to be exact. And I do whatever I can to make money. I don't want to go into debt for my education. So I do whatever I can to pay for school. That includes writing for this newspaper. I write under a pen name. It's like the Chicana's version of "Sex and the City." Minus all the sex, but a 20 something year old's view on life. OK, there is a little sex talk too! I write about traditions, current events, generation gaps, etc. Topics that are central to the area and our cultura.
My column, is usually about whatever topic happens to pop into my head. Once in a while, my editor will give me a topic to write about. Like if there is something in the news. Or a specific event going on. Then sometimes, I have no ideas. I will ask my friends. Pick the brains of anyone I come into contact with. But I am beginning to not have any ideas left. And I don't know what to do.
What kind of things do you like to read about? Are you a serious newspaper reader like me? I read at least 3 different newspapers every single day! It's almost a little ridiculous. But I enjoy it. From a daily article standpoint, what is something you would like to see? I have noticed that my readers, really enjoy when I share recipes with them. I have only done this a handful of times. I might have to resort to that, until I come up with some more ideas. I also had a really good response to an article I wrote about life as a single 20 something. I called it, "Alone, Broke, and Climbing the Ladder."
I guess I am just out of ideas. I have been working so much, that my life seems a little boring to me. 100+ hours a week, at a hospital, does that to a gal! But I want to write some good stuff right now. With the upcoming holidays and such. I just think it would be nice. I want to write an article on my Tia and the amazing impact she had on my life. But I don't know how personal to get. Obviously, my readers don't know my name. But how much detail do I want to add.
My editor is really good about giving me so many freedoms. I write 10 articles, then send them in. So it is a tough couple of days, every 2 weeks or so. But that's not too bad. When there is less content in the paper, he prints longer articles of mine. Some days, I get to ramble on quite a bit! And after 4 years, I really enjoy this part of my life.
If you have any suggestions, please e-mail me. Or comment below. I just need some new ideas. Something more than my struggle in trying to live a balanced life. Which I am losing right now! I just need some fresh, new ideas.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
One of the things that I remember more than anything else, was when my dad would spank me. Then if I were to cry, he would tell me, "Do you want me to give you something to cry about? If not, stop crying and put a smile on that face." I was raised "old school." I was not a bad kid. But I knew, if I stepped out of line, I was going to get it. We had a wooden paddle. And I knew, if I was bad, I would get spanked.
I never feared being spanked. I just hated the fact that I was supposed to pretend to be happy. Even when I wasn't. I HATED that! To no end, I really hated that! But I have to say, I grew up a good kid. My parents didn't just expect straight A's, they demanded them. Because that was my job. To go to school and get A's.
I never had a curfew. We really didn't have rules. Most of my friends were older than I was. My best friend, Enzo, is a 3 years older than me. As an adult, that is nothing. But as kids, it was centuries. I was never the teenager that got drunk, or was a rebel. I was the one that helped out. I took care of nieces and nephews. I helped my grandma. Worked in our office. And did what needed to be done.
Years later, I still suffer from this. And yes, I said suffer. There are days when the bottom completely falls out from under me. Completely! I am in free fall. But I sit here with a smile on my face telling people I'm good. Inside, I am struggling just to breath. Willing the tears to go deep inside of me. Trying to make it through my day.
Then one day, I just lost it. I fell completely apart. It was ironic, I was in my family counseling professor's office. He just let me cry and talk. For hours and hours. My poor professor. He thought I was going to ask him about our upcoming final. Instead, everything just came pouring out from my soul.
He helped me to find a counselor. Someone I could talk to, multiple times a week, for years. I was diagnosed as not just clinically depressed. But severely, clinically depressed. The worst that you could get. I was put on anti-depressants and went to counseling. And for the most part, I was feeling better. I could deal with emotions. Instead of bottling them all up. I finally had someone I could talk to. And I tried. I pushed forward.
Then I started to feel the financial pinch. I was struggling to pay for basics, like toilet paper and bread. I stopped going to counseling. But I tried to pay for my anti-depressants. Then I went from taking the correct doses, to maybe every other day. To only taking them when I was having a really bad day. To not taking them at all. The bottom really fell out then. I could feel the downward spiral of my life begin, yet again.
School got harder and harder to pay for. I couldn't afford books. Then tuition got to be too bad. And the bottom just fell out. I didn't have books. I couldn't pay for Internet access. My computer blew up. And I wasn't working nearly as much as I had been. The music stuff, just wasn't paying off.
Like "Prince Charming," J came to my rescue. I had been working for my friend. For a few years by now. And I really leaned on him. One night, while I was working, I could hear him on the back porch. Because my office is in his house. And I just needed a break. It was the middle of July. And probably 105*F. No lie!
He just sat there. In his big 'ol rocking chair. Looking out to the fields behind his house. Dogs laying at his feet. And it hit me. I wanted more out of this life. More than I was allowing myself to have. I wanted to be happy. To be genuinely happy. When it comes from deep down inside. When you are so happy that you are jumping out of your skin! I hadn't felt that in years. Since before my Uncle Al passed away.
I sat in the other chair. And just rocked. It was calm. The heat of the night was suddenly stable. The stars felt calming. The constant sound of J's breathing a HUGE comfort. And I sat there. We sat there. For at least an hour, in silence. Before I broke down.
There are not many people that I feel completely safe with. Or comfortable with. I think that is why I distance myself from people. I'm not sure who I can trust. And how much of my life I can trust them with. Or if they will come back to hurt me. I don't know if I am a burden to them. Because my entire childhood, I felt like a burden to my parents. I felt like I could never go to them, when things got tough. That is a bad habit I learned.
But all of a sudden J came over to me. Scooped me up. And let me cry. Let me cry until the tears dried up. Until there was nothing left inside. The kind of crying that leaves you gasping for air. That completely drains your body of all it's energy. Then he let me talk. Never interrupting. Just let me talk. We stayed like that, well until the sun came up. Me crawled up in his lap. His arms wrapped tightly around me. Letting me know that I was safe.
That was the very first time, as an adult, that I have ever felt safe. I could sit there and cry and bare my soul. And I knew, he would never judge me. Instead, he just held me. Held me tight. The harder I cried, the more empty I felt, the tighter he held me. J is one of the very best friends that I have. I honestly, could not find a better friend.
That was the day that we promised each other something. When things got bad, I could just call him. No matter what was going on, he would be here for me. And I would let him financially help me. He is the only person I let help me. When something comes up, I go to him. And he puts up the money. And I work for him. Essentially, we have gotten to the point were he pays for all of my tuition ahead of time. Then I work the semester to pay him back.
For the most part it works out. And there are definitely nights when he finds me sitting on his porch crying. Like when we lose a patient. I work with kids, and that's tough. But he'll come and just let me cry. He tries to carry some of my burden. Making my life a little easier. Never trying to make my life better or easier. Just letting me get everything out. Letting me know, if there is anything I need, he is there.
To be honest, he is the only person, on this planet, that can just look at me and know when my world is crumbling. He can tell when I have had too much. Or when I just need to talk. J knows when I am just saying that I am fine, and when I am really fine. He knows the difference between my "I need to look happy" smile, and a genuine smile.
Sometimes life just gets tough. And sometimes you just need to fall apart. To just cry until your tears dry up. And you are red nosed. Until your eyes are swollen. We all need to know, that it is OK. We are not all made out of steel. There are times when the strongest of people need to crumble. We all need someone that will be here for us when we laugh and when we cry. And someone who can genuinely make us smile. Thank you J for being that person for me!
Right now, life is not at all easy. I feel like, not only is my back up against the wall. But I am stuck in a corner. Just trying to make it. I honestly don't know if I can financially go on with school like this. I can barely keep it together some days. Work is just killing me. And I don't mean working 100+ hours for no pay. I mean, seeing all these kids suffer.
But at the end of the day, I know I have at least one person on my team. One person that will love me whether I go on to be a doctor. Or if I end up working at Target for the rest of my life. I have one person on my team letting me know, that it is OK to be human. That we all have our weaknesses. And sometimes, it is OK to let them show. That it is OK to tell someone "No" or to find someone else to take care of a situation. For the first time in my life, I am understanding, that my dreams, MY DREAMS, deserve to be chased after. It is my life, and I need to be happy too! Thanks J! I know being on "Team Lola" can be tough. But I hope you know how much I love and appreciate that you are cheering me on. Regardless of how many times I stumble. :)
Saturday, November 14, 2009
I broke the hearts of Marissa, Maribel, and Lauren. Because I really can't afford to go see them perform! I wish I could. But I can't. And there is nothing I can do about that small fact. Yes, 2 months ago, I asked for tonight off. Just so I could see them take the big stage. Not to mention, to see my friends perform. Heck, at one point, I thought I might actually play too! And of course, to get to see Pepe Aguilar. My favorite singer. The one that I have already missed 4 times, in the last 6 months. But $67 is just too much for me.
Especially, considering that I didn't have enough money, to pay my tuition payment yesterday. I used my entire paycheck from J. But it wasn't enough. Which seems to be a rather common occurrence this semester. So how can I justify spending $67? Heck, I couldn't afford the fee to go to the park, earlier today.
I feel bad. I felt bad when Maribel, my goddaughter, sat there and cried. Because I had to tell her, that I couldn't go see her tonight. But what am I supposed to do? I just finished the shows in Las Vegas. I work for J. But it is never enough. Never! School is literally sucking the life out of me. And every penny that I can get my hands on. Right at this very minute, I have $2.41 to my name. Not even enough to buy a loaf of bread or a gallon of milk.
This is my situation. Yes, I was the one that walked away from the music business, to pursue a medical degree. Because that is what people expected of me. But I never thought, it would mean, isolating myself from the people I love. Or going without food. Or heat, because I just can't afford it.
Talk about having one's character tested. I feel like mine gets more than just a daily test. I try holding it together. Not letting people see the cracks. Hiding my weakness. Pushing them further and further down. But at the same time, those things are breaking me. I feel like my soul is being shattered. No matter how hard I work to keep it together, it just doesn't work!
And to make things worse. I got into a fight with my dad. I called my parents, just to say Hi! And it turned into WWIII. Why can't people see things from my perspective? I'm trying my hardest. The only way I know how. And it is still not enough? It's not enough for my dad. But then again, my dad expects me to do everything, without so much as a second thought. Why can't my dad see that I have too much on my plate? Or that his daughter needs 5 minutes of peace and quiet. Why can't he see that I am just a human being? Just like the rest of his kids. Someone who needs sleep, food, and an occasional day off. But he doesn't. He doesn't understand my insistence of doing things for myself. Of being an independent woman. The woman that he taught me to be.
When I was a kid, he told me to be independent. Not to rely on anyone. Never to depend on a man for money, status, love, happiness, etc. To go out there and do it for myself. My dad told me that there would be rough days ahead. But with a plan, some sacrifice, and a whole lot of willpower, I could get anything done. So that is exactly what I am doing right now. Why can't he see it?
Do I feel horrible? Yes! On a day, that should have been filled with thoughts of a brand new baby girl and the most glorious music in the world, I am sitting here miserable. To the depths of my soul, wondering what kind of person I am. Crying and trying to understand the struggles and lessons that God has laid out before me.
As an adult, even I am somewhat lost. I can just imagine what a 4 year old and 2-2 year olds are feeling. But I need to look past it. Past Mems insisting that he would pay for a ticket. Because his daughter, my other Goddaughter, really wanted me to be there tonight. I see this as a test. A test of strength and willpower. One day, one day in my future, I will be able to afford the necessities in life. Regular and descent meals. And maybe even a concert or 2.
Until then, there is a pile of laundry that needs to be washed. A toilet that needs to be cleaned. And a pile of files that needs my attention. What a glamorous life I live! I once took a stage, played for thousands of people a night. Made them smile, laugh, and helped them to have a good time. Tonight, I will be scrubbing the bathroom. And lugging my dirty laundry to my friend's house. Because not even my washing machine has the will to go on. Here's to a good night of housework!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I know it is a little early to be thinking about Christmas. And Christmas trees. But for about 3 years now, I have wanted to have a Christmas tree with all handmade ornaments. It seems like an easy task. Last year, I made about 12. Then my parents came to my house for Christmas, and they convinced me that we just needed to put up a tree. 2 days before Christmas my dad bought me hot pink and lime green decorations. My crochet snowflakes and stars were put away. And I didn't think about them any more.
Until tonight. I am at work. Dr. S brought me a mini tree for my office. It's about 4 feet tall. I'm thinking about my ornaments again. You see, one day during the summer, I got this wise idea. To sit and crochet some Christmas ornaments. It was 105*F and I was dreaming of snow and twinkle lights. I had 5 or 6 designs in mind. I figured I would make 5 of each. And I did really good. Until, I gave them away! Dr. S's wife really liked them. I gave her a set. I can't remember if there was 5 or 6 of them. But she loved them.
My boss' grandma really likes my crafts too. I sent her a set. And I gave a set to my neighbor. I only had 3 full sets. Now I have 5 angels, 6 stars, and 8 snowflakes. What a weird number! But I think, I am going to try really hard this year, to get them made. I figure I can crochet 5 of each design. That is roughly 30 ornaments. I found a pattern for a cute garland. And I have the perfect vintage twinkle lights. I think it will look nice in my office. That way I am not worried about the kids breaking an ornament and getting hurt.
Now to just get motivated to work on them. I have been making baby stuff. My goddaughter is due in less than a week. That's the only think I have on the brain. Booties, blankets, and little dresses. I need to get into the holiday spirit!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
The last book order went in yesterday. And if I want to buy books in time for the beginning of the semester, the entire $3500 payment is due on Friday. Yes, this Friday. There is really nothing left for me to do. I am refusing to borrow money from anyone. And I just made a $550 payment for my internship last week. So, I am going to try to do this semester with no books. Oh, and no computer. Because I don't have the money for a computer...or for internet service.
This week has been one for the books. I have argued with my dad. I thought we were on the same page. I guess not! And then J and I got into a big fight yesterday. Why do these guys think that I am powerless? Or a damsel in distress? I am not! Whatever sacrifices I have to make, I will make. I don't need to hang all over someone for help. If I fail miserably at life, it is going to be my fault. It will not be the fault of my dad, J, or the dean.
Then this morning, I am on my way home from work. It has been an unbelievable day at work. And sitting outside my house is J and Sancho. Screw it, I just kept driving and parked my car at the park. I made the mile walk to the library at school. And now I sit here. I am so frustrated with people! Can't they just let me make these decisions for myself?
Wasn't it bad enough when I had to borrow money from J last week? Wasn't that bad enough? Sometimes I wonder. At some point, I have to come to terms that I just can't afford this. And as much as my dad wants to help me...he can't. I wish he would understand that. I seem to be the only one using my brain right now. The only one thinking clearly. You know, he has a business to worry about. And I am a 26 year old woman. If I can't get it together...then I don't deserve to go to school. I really don't.
Right now, I am an emotional basket case. I have never cried so much in my life. Not sleeping and not eating are not helping either. And I just have to somehow get through all of this. At least get through the next 2 weeks. My new plan...go to work, come home, lock myself away in my house, go to work, repeat. I am going to avoid my friends as much as humanly possible. Considering we have that wedding this weekend, it is going to be tough. And I work for J. But I am no longer going to answer the phone...or the door. I just need to get through these 2 weeks.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
I can only pay one thing right now. So I have spent the last 4 hours worrying and wondering. Books, scrubs, deodorant, toilet paper, a wedding gift, food, or my water bill??? What to pay, what to pay??? This is insanity! I need to order books, but I absolutely do not have $3500 floating around. This is going to be a semester without books. Let's see how that goes. Scrubs, I don't even want to talk about it. I have a $300 bill. They are going to have to keep my scrubs until after school starts. Because right now, I can't afford them! Thank goodness that the order is on back order.
And a wedding gift, I can't even think about it. My poor friends are just going to have to wait. And although necessities like deodorant, toilet paper, and food are almost essential to life...they will have to wait. That last roll of TP is going to have to last at least 10 days. So will the deodorant. And this is not the first time I have gone without eating...and I am sure it will not be the last. But that water bill...it will get paid. Because it needs to.
I am going back to stressing out over the cost of school. If the government wants us to go to school, can't they make it more affordable? I go to a state university, and I can barely afford it. If we are short doctors like everyone keeps saying, well Hello folks! Give us some help. Not everyone is going to be like me. Not everyone is going to sacrifice eating to pay for school. I know why we are short doctors, people can't afford to do it. And I am beginning to wonder if I can.
Friday, July 31, 2009
1. It's time for me to get a good paying job.
2. A gurney in the hallway; it's not a bad place for much needed sleep.
3. I must be crazy, because I'm eating chocolate at 4:22AM.
4. Dark chocolate is the best thing I have ever known.
5. My office is simply peaceful.
6. The last time I laughed really loudly was yesterday when I was chatting with some of my patients.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to watching Dateline NBC, tomorrow my plans include working in the NICU and Sunday, I want to go to the Church Fiestas!
Hope you enjoyed!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
How fair is it...I don't know. Being that her #1 driver is also my #2 driver. It's really close people...real close. But because I have been a Gordon fan longer...he gets the #1 spot. And they are both from the HMS camp. But whoever's driver came out on top, had to buy the other lunch, a manicure, and $20 gift card to store of winner's choice. The bet was on...
(Photo by Geoff Burke/Getty Images for NASCAR)
In Sara's corner...Dale Earnhardt Jr. Driver of the #88 AMP Energy/National Guard Chevrolet. Overcoming a stomach bug this weekend. Staring P3.
(AP Picture 2009-07-25)
Well, I haven't been feeling well for the last 20 hours or so. I fought the sickness and the sleep to watch the Opening Ceremonies. And the beginning of the race. Was the race boring? Yes, it was. Juan Pablo Montoya was just running away with the thing. But Gordon was making some steady, positive movement forward. And Dale Jr. was sitting comfortably in the top 10. No one would have guessed that he had been so sick earlier this weekend.
At lap 127, Dale Jr.'s #88 had some serious issues. A failed engine. It resulted in a DNF for #88 team. I was disappointed. They had been running so well. It looked like the team was turning a better corner. But it was a mechanical issue I suppose.
With Gordon making steady, forward movement and Dale Jr. out of the race...I succumbed to slumber. Yes, folks I took me a nap. When I woke up, there were 2 laps to go! JPM was no longer leading. Turns out, he got a penalty for speeding on pit road. And Jimmie Johnson took the win! It was a pretty good day for the HMS camp. Johnson P1, Martin P2, Gordon P9...and Earnhardt Jr. P36. Another win for Mr. H!
So, I won the bet. A friendly, girly bet. I have no clue where we will go to lunch. Maybe Zio's. And I am thinking a Sephora gift card. What a day! Regardless of who won the bet, it was nice. Sara is a HUGE Dale Jr. fan...and I suppose that she is happy that I am finally cheering on her guy. I have actually been a fan of his since 2007. But we won't get all technical here.
Folks, it was a good run no less for the HMS camp. Johnson took the win and defended his 2008 Indy 500 win. Mark Martin is just having a dream season. Jeff Gordon is having a season that is like night and day to his 2008 season. It looks as though the #88 team is working out the bugs. Dale Jr. looks a lot more comfortable in his ride. And was that swagger that I saw? Yes, folks I think the man has got his swagger back!
I'm leaving you with 3 of my favorite pictures from this weekend. The first one is of Miss Ella Sophia and Ingrid. Ella has got to be the cutest kid on pit road. And so stylish. Her mama is also very chic. The next picture is of Sprint Cup drivers who were in the Allstate 400. In a lot of ways, it reminds me of my Senior Class Picture. I'm just saying... And the last is of Mr. and Mrs. Johnson celebrating their Brickyard win!
(Photo by John Harrelson/Getty Images for NASCAR)
(Photo by John Harrelson/Getty Images for NASCAR)
Friday, July 24, 2009
1. Lack of money and/or illness is/are not the end of the world.
2. Sitting here, listening to the sound of rain falling, I want to fall asleep in someone’s arms.
3. Cupcakes (always) taste(s) so good!
4. Sometimes, putting others first is difficult, but still the right decision.
5. Sunsets (in the desert) is/are breathtaking, really.
6. Well, maybe there is another reason for these hard times and stress.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to sleep, tomorrow my plans include cooking a good meal and Sunday, I want to watch the NASCAR race in Indy!
Hope you enjoyed!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
So J being the most awesome friend (and boss) is loaning me $350. It's more like I am getting an advance on my paycheck. Which payday isn't for another 8 days...and I would still be about $100 short. I love my friend J. And not just because he lends me money when I am in a pinch. But also because he is a good hearted friend. A really good guy at the heart of things. There is something to be said for a real Texas gentleman...and cowboy!
But right now, J is on a call. We were supposed to meet last night. Two things happened. J had been working on this cockfight bust...and then he was called out to do some work for some horses that were being abused. By the time he was done for the night...I was called into work. This morning when I got off...he was already at work. The scheduling has been pretty hit and miss lately. Mostly miss.
I'm also waiting on myself to make decisions based on school. At this point, Dr. S is paying my insurance for the hospital internship. Bless that man's soul! That is $5000 I don't have to worry about. It could be slightly higher because our insurance was supposed to go up...AGAIN! My first tuition payment is due August 14th...$500. The rest, I have opted for the payment plan this semester. And I am praying for some more gigs between now and December. If not, I might have to start selling my furniture or something to pay for school.
And books. My dear books. Because of the courses I am taking, they have to be ordered early. And well, money has been extra tight this summer. $3500 was due last Friday. I promptly told my Dean that I just couldn't afford it right now. I think he silently prayed for a miracle. He gave me until this Friday to come up with the money. But I can barely come up with $500 for my internship. So I will miss the book order. In return, I will have to pay $500 in shipping and late charges. Isn't that insane? And I probably won't get to order my books until sometime at the end of August or the beginning of September...way after school starts.
People never tell you about all these crazy expenses when they are trying to talk you into school. But it is insane! I still have to get a computer, a digital camera, DSL, cable, school supplies, scrubs, and surgical shoes. Who knows when that will happen though. I can't work a "normal job" because of my internship. But I need all of these things because of my internship. I am officially flat broke. And I have no food. Yes, folks I have no food. I ate 2 cheese slices for breakfast because that is pretty much all I've got.
I often wonder why nursing students get so much help for school...yet medical students get next to nothing. I mean, I am grateful for the $200 I get for being on the Dean's List. But that doesn't even cover one book. And we are seriously short of doctors...especially around here. I think I know why. People just can't afford it! But I am staying optimistic about it all. Waiting on J, waiting on work, and hoping for a PAYING job.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
They started dating sometime in mid August and shortly, they moved in together. Mostly because T has an unusual job and they already lived a good 2 hours away from one another. But they were in heaven. Both loving this new relationship. I knew things were getting serious when T called to ask me about a Christmas present in October. The day before, Daddy-O, now a good friend of mine, told me that T had bought an engagement ring for H. He had it at his house for safe keeping. We took a bet on when T would pop the question. I insisted on her birthday, he insisted on Christmas. In the end, I was right. And almost a month to the day, after the engagement, we were in Sin City. The 2 of them were getting married.
Did I think it was quick? Yeah, but it also takes me 7 years to pick out living room curtains. So I won't add anything to that. They had known each other for nearly 8 months, had been dating/living together for 7 months, and been engaged for 1 month. But we all hoped and prayed for the best. It was kind of cool that between a boss and an employee, we could set up our best friends.
It was a quick Sin City wedding. Neither H nor T's families attended. H's family was pretty jealous of the situation. T's really didn't talk to him because of jealousy issues as well. It is safe to say...both had had it hard growing up. And they were both given big breaks and opportunities with this relationship. About a month later, they went on a short trip to the Bahamas. H was so happy when they returned. And I thought to myself, she really is lucky to have found this man.
To say that T's job has kinda been in limbo since May is putting it lightly. He has a really good job. But with the economy and some other issues, every week he is evaluated. H knew that. They also knew that they couldn't start try to expand their family until at least January 2010. Somehow, life veered left as H and T veered right.
At the beginning of June, H realized she was pregnant. About 2 months. She waited to tell T. Telling him that she was going to stay home for the week. Remember, I told you he travels a lot for work. They had just returned from another tropical vacation, so he didn't see anything wrong with it. Figuring that she needed some rest. H went to the doctor and everything seemed fine. T came home and she told him.
He, like any normal man not expecting this news, was in shock. Literally in shock. She took offense. And it lead to WWIII. He left, dog in tote, to Daddy-O's house. The entire week, he avoided their home. He left for work. H called me. And we talked about a fight. I didn't know what it was about. But I tried to calm her down. Daddy-O also called. We tried to figure out what had happened, but we had no clue. After a week, T went home. To only leave the same day. Now, we were really stunned.
What the heck was going on? For weeks, he camped out at Daddy-O's house. He would call home, to talk to the housekeeper, to make sure H was OK. But that was it. He and his dog didn't go home. Daddy-O had paid for their honeymoon. They were going to Hawaii on July 13th. They would be gone for 10 days or so. But on July 10th, T told Daddy-O that they weren't going. Instead, he was going to Florida with his dog. Yeah, that was it. A mutual friend tagged along to take care of T. H stopped talking to me. And we still had no clue what was happening.
This is the same H who told me that I needed to get married ASAP so our kids would grow up as best friends. Now, I don't even know if her marriage is going to last the summer. 2 days into T's drinking binge/vacation, Daddy-O went to intervene. All I really know, because of J, is that T was threatened to talk. Which wasn't too hard, since he had been drowning his sorrows at the bar for over 48 hours.
It finally came out. H had been pregnant. The weekend after their WWIII fight, she had a miscarriage. T blamed himself because of the fight. H blamed herself, because she hadn't known she was pregnant. And she hadn't really taken care of herself during those 2 months. In fact, she had drank for Cinco de Mayo, a work thing for T, and while they were on vacation.
T and I had been talking on and off during this time. H had been talking with Daddy-O. But we all finally knew. I tried to explain to both of them...it wasn't their fault. Really, could things have been handled better? Sure. But things happen. The best for them, is to learn from this situation. And to lean on each other for support, inside of running in opposite directions.
Today, I was able to talk to both of them. Individually of course. Things don't seem much better. But I pray that they will get better. H is definitely my long lost sister at heart, and T has become like a brother to me. Their relationship has been anything but "traditional and average" but at the heart of things, they love each other. I just pray that they can see past this difficult stage in their marriage, and see the love that they have for one another. I am reminded of the following passage...
Love is patient;
It bears all things,
- Corinthians 13:4-7
I pray for my friends. That they find the peace and love that was once the center of their relationship. There will be ups and downs in their marriage, but their love will endure all things. I love you both. I pray for you every single day. And I have the faith that you will make it past these dark days.