Thursday, August 6, 2009

Too Much

I am beginning to think that I have bitten off too much. You know, were life is concerned. I have absolutely no money. $21.57 sits in the bank. And I have $1.49 in my purse. That is it.

The last book order went in yesterday. And if I want to buy books in time for the beginning of the semester, the entire $3500 payment is due on Friday. Yes, this Friday. There is really nothing left for me to do. I am refusing to borrow money from anyone. And I just made a $550 payment for my internship last week. So, I am going to try to do this semester with no books. Oh, and no computer. Because I don't have the money for a computer...or for internet service.

This week has been one for the books. I have argued with my dad. I thought we were on the same page. I guess not! And then J and I got into a big fight yesterday. Why do these guys think that I am powerless? Or a damsel in distress? I am not! Whatever sacrifices I have to make, I will make. I don't need to hang all over someone for help. If I fail miserably at life, it is going to be my fault. It will not be the fault of my dad, J, or the dean.

Then this morning, I am on my way home from work. It has been an unbelievable day at work. And sitting outside my house is J and Sancho. Screw it, I just kept driving and parked my car at the park. I made the mile walk to the library at school. And now I sit here. I am so frustrated with people! Can't they just let me make these decisions for myself?

Wasn't it bad enough when I had to borrow money from J last week? Wasn't that bad enough? Sometimes I wonder. At some point, I have to come to terms that I just can't afford this. And as much as my dad wants to help me...he can't. I wish he would understand that. I seem to be the only one using my brain right now. The only one thinking clearly. You know, he has a business to worry about. And I am a 26 year old woman. If I can't get it together...then I don't deserve to go to school. I really don't.

Right now, I am an emotional basket case. I have never cried so much in my life. Not sleeping and not eating are not helping either. And I just have to somehow get through all of this. At least get through the next 2 weeks. My new plan...go to work, come home, lock myself away in my house, go to work, repeat. I am going to avoid my friends as much as humanly possible. Considering we have that wedding this weekend, it is going to be tough. And I work for J. But I am no longer going to answer the phone...or the door. I just need to get through these 2 weeks.



Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Money Spread Thin

Yes folks, I am in full out worry mode. Currently, I have a very, very limited number of funds. And I have a lot of expenses. It doesn't help that I work between 100-120 hours a week...for free! You have to love an internship!

I can only pay one thing right now. So I have spent the last 4 hours worrying and wondering. Books, scrubs, deodorant, toilet paper, a wedding gift, food, or my water bill??? What to pay, what to pay??? This is insanity! I need to order books, but I absolutely do not have $3500 floating around. This is going to be a semester without books. Let's see how that goes. Scrubs, I don't even want to talk about it. I have a $300 bill. They are going to have to keep my scrubs until after school starts. Because right now, I can't afford them! Thank goodness that the order is on back order.

And a wedding gift, I can't even think about it. My poor friends are just going to have to wait. And although necessities like deodorant, toilet paper, and food are almost essential to life...they will have to wait. That last roll of TP is going to have to last at least 10 days. So will the deodorant. And this is not the first time I have gone without eating...and I am sure it will not be the last. But that water will get paid. Because it needs to.

I am going back to stressing out over the cost of school. If the government wants us to go to school, can't they make it more affordable? I go to a state university, and I can barely afford it. If we are short doctors like everyone keeps saying, well Hello folks! Give us some help. Not everyone is going to be like me. Not everyone is going to sacrifice eating to pay for school. I know why we are short doctors, people can't afford to do it. And I am beginning to wonder if I can.