Yes I am!!! You can hit me if you want to. Or punish me, by not reading my blog. But I do have some legitimate excuses. I knew that last week and this week were going to be rough. So I sat down and typed up a bunch of blog posts. Then I put them on auto-post. Well, it didn't work. In fact, I don't know where the 14 blogs went. I will post them to their correct dates sometime this weekend. Good thing I have them saved as word documents. Or who knows what I would do!
These past 2 weeks...have been filled with final exams, clinicals, presentations, teaching, traveling, being sick, and working. My plate has been a little full! But I'm trying to keep it together. I got sick last Wednesday, and I'm still not feeling good. I'm mean, I'm doing tons better than Thursday. But still only at 70%. Last Thursday, I spent the entire day in bed. Pretty much from Wednesday night until Friday around noon, I was sick in bed. I slept almost 24 hours straight! It was almost too much for me to deal with.
But life is returning to "normal." Or as "normal" as you can get in the middle of the holiday season! I'm still feeling like Scrooge or the Grinch. You can pick whichever one you would like. I haven't decorated. Or baked. Or wrapped presents. I have done most of my shopping. But that is the end of my holiday preparation. I just don't know what's wrong with me this year. I need to get it together. Christmas is in days!!!
In 30 minutes or so, I will be heading to my parents' house. 3-4 hours from here. Today is their company party. And I agreed to help them get ready for it. I need to do some baking. And all of that fun stuff!!! Then Saturday, I head home. I have to work until December 23rd. Not too bad! I should be happy to have Christmas Eve through December 27th off.
I'm also counting the days until I get to see my oldest brother. In fact, I've switched a few days at work. So that I can go see him on January 4th. He will be moving back to our hometown. My parents and I are really excited! My parents are actually going to go visit him this weekend. They are going to start moving his things home.
And in case you were wondering. I did do my drawing for my giveaway. I left the giveaway open until December 10th. That morning I went to Random.org and put in 86 numbers. I can't believe I got 86 comments! The lucky number was #9. Kind of ironic. But very fun! I contacted Anna Marie and sent out her scarf on Saturday. I hope she has received it by now! I should probably check in with her. Have a wonderful weekend!
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Friday, December 18, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
A Wild Day
I don't even know what time it is. Or where to begin! We have been working hard. I haven't slept in over 24 hours! We've had so many events to go to. I've changed, well I don't remember how many times. But it's been a lot!
This morning, we went to the lighting of the Christmas tree. It was freezing! Since when is Las Vegas this cold? But it was one of those events we had to go to. In the end we had a lot of fun! And I have a feeling, had we had to stay another 30 minutes, I might have left with a boyfriend. I was that cold! I told the guys, if they could find me a guy, to keep me warm, well he could be my boyfriend. I was only joking, but they thought it was hilarious!
All day we have been on the go. And all day long, I have had my trusty bodyguard following me. He cracks me up! He really does. But I finally got him to talk to me. I offered him some coffee and a donut. I think it made his day. :) I'm telling you, it was freezing! My necklace, at one point, was stuck to my skin. Hello! It was that cold!
I talked to Anna Marie and Joe earlier. Joe is a little sad to be missing all of this. Especially since we are going to the rodeo later. But I know he would be miserable, had he come with us. Miss Emma Grace is definitely a reason to stay home! Anna Marie also told me that we got quite a bit of snow back home. I just knew it would happen! We would get snow when I left! They said we got 2". And everything just stopped. I guess there was no school. And for the most part, the region is barely able to function. We don't get much snow. This is a HUGE deal back home!
Tonight we are playing 2 shows! It's so exciting. I have had a really good time. This time around, Sin City has been really fun. Usually, we don't get to do much. But our gigs and appearances were very different than normal. We all are enjoying that. I am just sad, I haven't got a single glimpse of the NASCAR action!!! What can you do?
I should get going. I am supposed to be in hair and makeup in 30 minutes. And I still have to go try on my dresses for tonight. Fingers crossed that they fit! This morning we had a hard time finding a dress to fit me. Apparently, I lost weight. I still don't know where! But my clothes are a little big this week. :)
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
This morning, we went to the lighting of the Christmas tree. It was freezing! Since when is Las Vegas this cold? But it was one of those events we had to go to. In the end we had a lot of fun! And I have a feeling, had we had to stay another 30 minutes, I might have left with a boyfriend. I was that cold! I told the guys, if they could find me a guy, to keep me warm, well he could be my boyfriend. I was only joking, but they thought it was hilarious!
All day we have been on the go. And all day long, I have had my trusty bodyguard following me. He cracks me up! He really does. But I finally got him to talk to me. I offered him some coffee and a donut. I think it made his day. :) I'm telling you, it was freezing! My necklace, at one point, was stuck to my skin. Hello! It was that cold!
I talked to Anna Marie and Joe earlier. Joe is a little sad to be missing all of this. Especially since we are going to the rodeo later. But I know he would be miserable, had he come with us. Miss Emma Grace is definitely a reason to stay home! Anna Marie also told me that we got quite a bit of snow back home. I just knew it would happen! We would get snow when I left! They said we got 2". And everything just stopped. I guess there was no school. And for the most part, the region is barely able to function. We don't get much snow. This is a HUGE deal back home!
Tonight we are playing 2 shows! It's so exciting. I have had a really good time. This time around, Sin City has been really fun. Usually, we don't get to do much. But our gigs and appearances were very different than normal. We all are enjoying that. I am just sad, I haven't got a single glimpse of the NASCAR action!!! What can you do?
I should get going. I am supposed to be in hair and makeup in 30 minutes. And I still have to go try on my dresses for tonight. Fingers crossed that they fit! This morning we had a hard time finding a dress to fit me. Apparently, I lost weight. I still don't know where! But my clothes are a little big this week. :)
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Writer's Block
I don't know if I have blogged about this. But I write for a newspaper. A local newspaper. In a city that is 4 hours north of where I live. The way I landed this job is really funny. But I pretty much owe it all to a good friend of mine. He encouraged me to write. I love to write. And that is an understatement! I probably should be studying that instead of medicine. But you know how that goes. Anyway, after reading some short stories that I was writing, and an article that I wrote for a local magazine, he talked to his dad. Who talked to my editor. Long story short, I landed the job!
I am in college. A medical student to be exact. And I do whatever I can to make money. I don't want to go into debt for my education. So I do whatever I can to pay for school. That includes writing for this newspaper. I write under a pen name. It's like the Chicana's version of "Sex and the City." Minus all the sex, but a 20 something year old's view on life. OK, there is a little sex talk too! I write about traditions, current events, generation gaps, etc. Topics that are central to the area and our cultura.
My column, is usually about whatever topic happens to pop into my head. Once in a while, my editor will give me a topic to write about. Like if there is something in the news. Or a specific event going on. Then sometimes, I have no ideas. I will ask my friends. Pick the brains of anyone I come into contact with. But I am beginning to not have any ideas left. And I don't know what to do.
What kind of things do you like to read about? Are you a serious newspaper reader like me? I read at least 3 different newspapers every single day! It's almost a little ridiculous. But I enjoy it. From a daily article standpoint, what is something you would like to see? I have noticed that my readers, really enjoy when I share recipes with them. I have only done this a handful of times. I might have to resort to that, until I come up with some more ideas. I also had a really good response to an article I wrote about life as a single 20 something. I called it, "Alone, Broke, and Climbing the Ladder."
I guess I am just out of ideas. I have been working so much, that my life seems a little boring to me. 100+ hours a week, at a hospital, does that to a gal! But I want to write some good stuff right now. With the upcoming holidays and such. I just think it would be nice. I want to write an article on my Tia and the amazing impact she had on my life. But I don't know how personal to get. Obviously, my readers don't know my name. But how much detail do I want to add.
My editor is really good about giving me so many freedoms. I write 10 articles, then send them in. So it is a tough couple of days, every 2 weeks or so. But that's not too bad. When there is less content in the paper, he prints longer articles of mine. Some days, I get to ramble on quite a bit! And after 4 years, I really enjoy this part of my life.
If you have any suggestions, please e-mail me. Or comment below. I just need some new ideas. Something more than my struggle in trying to live a balanced life. Which I am losing right now! I just need some fresh, new ideas.
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
I am in college. A medical student to be exact. And I do whatever I can to make money. I don't want to go into debt for my education. So I do whatever I can to pay for school. That includes writing for this newspaper. I write under a pen name. It's like the Chicana's version of "Sex and the City." Minus all the sex, but a 20 something year old's view on life. OK, there is a little sex talk too! I write about traditions, current events, generation gaps, etc. Topics that are central to the area and our cultura.
My column, is usually about whatever topic happens to pop into my head. Once in a while, my editor will give me a topic to write about. Like if there is something in the news. Or a specific event going on. Then sometimes, I have no ideas. I will ask my friends. Pick the brains of anyone I come into contact with. But I am beginning to not have any ideas left. And I don't know what to do.
What kind of things do you like to read about? Are you a serious newspaper reader like me? I read at least 3 different newspapers every single day! It's almost a little ridiculous. But I enjoy it. From a daily article standpoint, what is something you would like to see? I have noticed that my readers, really enjoy when I share recipes with them. I have only done this a handful of times. I might have to resort to that, until I come up with some more ideas. I also had a really good response to an article I wrote about life as a single 20 something. I called it, "Alone, Broke, and Climbing the Ladder."
I guess I am just out of ideas. I have been working so much, that my life seems a little boring to me. 100+ hours a week, at a hospital, does that to a gal! But I want to write some good stuff right now. With the upcoming holidays and such. I just think it would be nice. I want to write an article on my Tia and the amazing impact she had on my life. But I don't know how personal to get. Obviously, my readers don't know my name. But how much detail do I want to add.
My editor is really good about giving me so many freedoms. I write 10 articles, then send them in. So it is a tough couple of days, every 2 weeks or so. But that's not too bad. When there is less content in the paper, he prints longer articles of mine. Some days, I get to ramble on quite a bit! And after 4 years, I really enjoy this part of my life.
If you have any suggestions, please e-mail me. Or comment below. I just need some new ideas. Something more than my struggle in trying to live a balanced life. Which I am losing right now! I just need some fresh, new ideas.
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Learning to Smile
I'm one of those women, that was raised to not let people know when things were bad. I was told to smile and go on. I never got the chance to mourn the loss of loved ones. I never was able to just cry. Or to feel bad. When my world was crumbling down, I was told to smile. To put a smile on my face and to "Keep on truckin'." And that's what I did.
One of the things that I remember more than anything else, was when my dad would spank me. Then if I were to cry, he would tell me, "Do you want me to give you something to cry about? If not, stop crying and put a smile on that face." I was raised "old school." I was not a bad kid. But I knew, if I stepped out of line, I was going to get it. We had a wooden paddle. And I knew, if I was bad, I would get spanked.
I never feared being spanked. I just hated the fact that I was supposed to pretend to be happy. Even when I wasn't. I HATED that! To no end, I really hated that! But I have to say, I grew up a good kid. My parents didn't just expect straight A's, they demanded them. Because that was my job. To go to school and get A's.
I never had a curfew. We really didn't have rules. Most of my friends were older than I was. My best friend, Enzo, is a 3 years older than me. As an adult, that is nothing. But as kids, it was centuries. I was never the teenager that got drunk, or was a rebel. I was the one that helped out. I took care of nieces and nephews. I helped my grandma. Worked in our office. And did what needed to be done.
Years later, I still suffer from this. And yes, I said suffer. There are days when the bottom completely falls out from under me. Completely! I am in free fall. But I sit here with a smile on my face telling people I'm good. Inside, I am struggling just to breath. Willing the tears to go deep inside of me. Trying to make it through my day.
Then one day, I just lost it. I fell completely apart. It was ironic, I was in my family counseling professor's office. He just let me cry and talk. For hours and hours. My poor professor. He thought I was going to ask him about our upcoming final. Instead, everything just came pouring out from my soul.
He helped me to find a counselor. Someone I could talk to, multiple times a week, for years. I was diagnosed as not just clinically depressed. But severely, clinically depressed. The worst that you could get. I was put on anti-depressants and went to counseling. And for the most part, I was feeling better. I could deal with emotions. Instead of bottling them all up. I finally had someone I could talk to. And I tried. I pushed forward.
Then I started to feel the financial pinch. I was struggling to pay for basics, like toilet paper and bread. I stopped going to counseling. But I tried to pay for my anti-depressants. Then I went from taking the correct doses, to maybe every other day. To only taking them when I was having a really bad day. To not taking them at all. The bottom really fell out then. I could feel the downward spiral of my life begin, yet again.
School got harder and harder to pay for. I couldn't afford books. Then tuition got to be too bad. And the bottom just fell out. I didn't have books. I couldn't pay for Internet access. My computer blew up. And I wasn't working nearly as much as I had been. The music stuff, just wasn't paying off.
Like "Prince Charming," J came to my rescue. I had been working for my friend. For a few years by now. And I really leaned on him. One night, while I was working, I could hear him on the back porch. Because my office is in his house. And I just needed a break. It was the middle of July. And probably 105*F. No lie!
He just sat there. In his big 'ol rocking chair. Looking out to the fields behind his house. Dogs laying at his feet. And it hit me. I wanted more out of this life. More than I was allowing myself to have. I wanted to be happy. To be genuinely happy. When it comes from deep down inside. When you are so happy that you are jumping out of your skin! I hadn't felt that in years. Since before my Uncle Al passed away.
I sat in the other chair. And just rocked. It was calm. The heat of the night was suddenly stable. The stars felt calming. The constant sound of J's breathing a HUGE comfort. And I sat there. We sat there. For at least an hour, in silence. Before I broke down.
There are not many people that I feel completely safe with. Or comfortable with. I think that is why I distance myself from people. I'm not sure who I can trust. And how much of my life I can trust them with. Or if they will come back to hurt me. I don't know if I am a burden to them. Because my entire childhood, I felt like a burden to my parents. I felt like I could never go to them, when things got tough. That is a bad habit I learned.
But all of a sudden J came over to me. Scooped me up. And let me cry. Let me cry until the tears dried up. Until there was nothing left inside. The kind of crying that leaves you gasping for air. That completely drains your body of all it's energy. Then he let me talk. Never interrupting. Just let me talk. We stayed like that, well until the sun came up. Me crawled up in his lap. His arms wrapped tightly around me. Letting me know that I was safe.
That was the very first time, as an adult, that I have ever felt safe. I could sit there and cry and bare my soul. And I knew, he would never judge me. Instead, he just held me. Held me tight. The harder I cried, the more empty I felt, the tighter he held me. J is one of the very best friends that I have. I honestly, could not find a better friend.
That was the day that we promised each other something. When things got bad, I could just call him. No matter what was going on, he would be here for me. And I would let him financially help me. He is the only person I let help me. When something comes up, I go to him. And he puts up the money. And I work for him. Essentially, we have gotten to the point were he pays for all of my tuition ahead of time. Then I work the semester to pay him back.
For the most part it works out. And there are definitely nights when he finds me sitting on his porch crying. Like when we lose a patient. I work with kids, and that's tough. But he'll come and just let me cry. He tries to carry some of my burden. Making my life a little easier. Never trying to make my life better or easier. Just letting me get everything out. Letting me know, if there is anything I need, he is there.
To be honest, he is the only person, on this planet, that can just look at me and know when my world is crumbling. He can tell when I have had too much. Or when I just need to talk. J knows when I am just saying that I am fine, and when I am really fine. He knows the difference between my "I need to look happy" smile, and a genuine smile.
Sometimes life just gets tough. And sometimes you just need to fall apart. To just cry until your tears dry up. And you are red nosed. Until your eyes are swollen. We all need to know, that it is OK. We are not all made out of steel. There are times when the strongest of people need to crumble. We all need someone that will be here for us when we laugh and when we cry. And someone who can genuinely make us smile. Thank you J for being that person for me!
Right now, life is not at all easy. I feel like, not only is my back up against the wall. But I am stuck in a corner. Just trying to make it. I honestly don't know if I can financially go on with school like this. I can barely keep it together some days. Work is just killing me. And I don't mean working 100+ hours for no pay. I mean, seeing all these kids suffer.
But at the end of the day, I know I have at least one person on my team. One person that will love me whether I go on to be a doctor. Or if I end up working at Target for the rest of my life. I have one person on my team letting me know, that it is OK to be human. That we all have our weaknesses. And sometimes, it is OK to let them show. That it is OK to tell someone "No" or to find someone else to take care of a situation. For the first time in my life, I am understanding, that my dreams, MY DREAMS, deserve to be chased after. It is my life, and I need to be happy too! Thanks J! I know being on "Team Lola" can be tough. But I hope you know how much I love and appreciate that you are cheering me on. Regardless of how many times I stumble. :)
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
One of the things that I remember more than anything else, was when my dad would spank me. Then if I were to cry, he would tell me, "Do you want me to give you something to cry about? If not, stop crying and put a smile on that face." I was raised "old school." I was not a bad kid. But I knew, if I stepped out of line, I was going to get it. We had a wooden paddle. And I knew, if I was bad, I would get spanked.
I never feared being spanked. I just hated the fact that I was supposed to pretend to be happy. Even when I wasn't. I HATED that! To no end, I really hated that! But I have to say, I grew up a good kid. My parents didn't just expect straight A's, they demanded them. Because that was my job. To go to school and get A's.
I never had a curfew. We really didn't have rules. Most of my friends were older than I was. My best friend, Enzo, is a 3 years older than me. As an adult, that is nothing. But as kids, it was centuries. I was never the teenager that got drunk, or was a rebel. I was the one that helped out. I took care of nieces and nephews. I helped my grandma. Worked in our office. And did what needed to be done.
Years later, I still suffer from this. And yes, I said suffer. There are days when the bottom completely falls out from under me. Completely! I am in free fall. But I sit here with a smile on my face telling people I'm good. Inside, I am struggling just to breath. Willing the tears to go deep inside of me. Trying to make it through my day.
Then one day, I just lost it. I fell completely apart. It was ironic, I was in my family counseling professor's office. He just let me cry and talk. For hours and hours. My poor professor. He thought I was going to ask him about our upcoming final. Instead, everything just came pouring out from my soul.
He helped me to find a counselor. Someone I could talk to, multiple times a week, for years. I was diagnosed as not just clinically depressed. But severely, clinically depressed. The worst that you could get. I was put on anti-depressants and went to counseling. And for the most part, I was feeling better. I could deal with emotions. Instead of bottling them all up. I finally had someone I could talk to. And I tried. I pushed forward.
Then I started to feel the financial pinch. I was struggling to pay for basics, like toilet paper and bread. I stopped going to counseling. But I tried to pay for my anti-depressants. Then I went from taking the correct doses, to maybe every other day. To only taking them when I was having a really bad day. To not taking them at all. The bottom really fell out then. I could feel the downward spiral of my life begin, yet again.
School got harder and harder to pay for. I couldn't afford books. Then tuition got to be too bad. And the bottom just fell out. I didn't have books. I couldn't pay for Internet access. My computer blew up. And I wasn't working nearly as much as I had been. The music stuff, just wasn't paying off.
Like "Prince Charming," J came to my rescue. I had been working for my friend. For a few years by now. And I really leaned on him. One night, while I was working, I could hear him on the back porch. Because my office is in his house. And I just needed a break. It was the middle of July. And probably 105*F. No lie!
He just sat there. In his big 'ol rocking chair. Looking out to the fields behind his house. Dogs laying at his feet. And it hit me. I wanted more out of this life. More than I was allowing myself to have. I wanted to be happy. To be genuinely happy. When it comes from deep down inside. When you are so happy that you are jumping out of your skin! I hadn't felt that in years. Since before my Uncle Al passed away.
I sat in the other chair. And just rocked. It was calm. The heat of the night was suddenly stable. The stars felt calming. The constant sound of J's breathing a HUGE comfort. And I sat there. We sat there. For at least an hour, in silence. Before I broke down.
There are not many people that I feel completely safe with. Or comfortable with. I think that is why I distance myself from people. I'm not sure who I can trust. And how much of my life I can trust them with. Or if they will come back to hurt me. I don't know if I am a burden to them. Because my entire childhood, I felt like a burden to my parents. I felt like I could never go to them, when things got tough. That is a bad habit I learned.
But all of a sudden J came over to me. Scooped me up. And let me cry. Let me cry until the tears dried up. Until there was nothing left inside. The kind of crying that leaves you gasping for air. That completely drains your body of all it's energy. Then he let me talk. Never interrupting. Just let me talk. We stayed like that, well until the sun came up. Me crawled up in his lap. His arms wrapped tightly around me. Letting me know that I was safe.
That was the very first time, as an adult, that I have ever felt safe. I could sit there and cry and bare my soul. And I knew, he would never judge me. Instead, he just held me. Held me tight. The harder I cried, the more empty I felt, the tighter he held me. J is one of the very best friends that I have. I honestly, could not find a better friend.
That was the day that we promised each other something. When things got bad, I could just call him. No matter what was going on, he would be here for me. And I would let him financially help me. He is the only person I let help me. When something comes up, I go to him. And he puts up the money. And I work for him. Essentially, we have gotten to the point were he pays for all of my tuition ahead of time. Then I work the semester to pay him back.
For the most part it works out. And there are definitely nights when he finds me sitting on his porch crying. Like when we lose a patient. I work with kids, and that's tough. But he'll come and just let me cry. He tries to carry some of my burden. Making my life a little easier. Never trying to make my life better or easier. Just letting me get everything out. Letting me know, if there is anything I need, he is there.
To be honest, he is the only person, on this planet, that can just look at me and know when my world is crumbling. He can tell when I have had too much. Or when I just need to talk. J knows when I am just saying that I am fine, and when I am really fine. He knows the difference between my "I need to look happy" smile, and a genuine smile.
Sometimes life just gets tough. And sometimes you just need to fall apart. To just cry until your tears dry up. And you are red nosed. Until your eyes are swollen. We all need to know, that it is OK. We are not all made out of steel. There are times when the strongest of people need to crumble. We all need someone that will be here for us when we laugh and when we cry. And someone who can genuinely make us smile. Thank you J for being that person for me!
Right now, life is not at all easy. I feel like, not only is my back up against the wall. But I am stuck in a corner. Just trying to make it. I honestly don't know if I can financially go on with school like this. I can barely keep it together some days. Work is just killing me. And I don't mean working 100+ hours for no pay. I mean, seeing all these kids suffer.
But at the end of the day, I know I have at least one person on my team. One person that will love me whether I go on to be a doctor. Or if I end up working at Target for the rest of my life. I have one person on my team letting me know, that it is OK to be human. That we all have our weaknesses. And sometimes, it is OK to let them show. That it is OK to tell someone "No" or to find someone else to take care of a situation. For the first time in my life, I am understanding, that my dreams, MY DREAMS, deserve to be chased after. It is my life, and I need to be happy too! Thanks J! I know being on "Team Lola" can be tough. But I hope you know how much I love and appreciate that you are cheering me on. Regardless of how many times I stumble. :)
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Am I a Bad Person?
I feel horrible right now. Not the way I thought today was going to go. Not in the least bit. After all, I finally finished Emma Grace's nursery. Every ladybug in it's place. Pink blankets and cute bows fill her new nursery. But I still feel worse that a blood-sucking leech!
I broke the hearts of Marissa, Maribel, and Lauren. Because I really can't afford to go see them perform! I wish I could. But I can't. And there is nothing I can do about that small fact. Yes, 2 months ago, I asked for tonight off. Just so I could see them take the big stage. Not to mention, to see my friends perform. Heck, at one point, I thought I might actually play too! And of course, to get to see Pepe Aguilar. My favorite singer. The one that I have already missed 4 times, in the last 6 months. But $67 is just too much for me.
Especially, considering that I didn't have enough money, to pay my tuition payment yesterday. I used my entire paycheck from J. But it wasn't enough. Which seems to be a rather common occurrence this semester. So how can I justify spending $67? Heck, I couldn't afford the fee to go to the park, earlier today.
I feel bad. I felt bad when Maribel, my goddaughter, sat there and cried. Because I had to tell her, that I couldn't go see her tonight. But what am I supposed to do? I just finished the shows in Las Vegas. I work for J. But it is never enough. Never! School is literally sucking the life out of me. And every penny that I can get my hands on. Right at this very minute, I have $2.41 to my name. Not even enough to buy a loaf of bread or a gallon of milk.
This is my situation. Yes, I was the one that walked away from the music business, to pursue a medical degree. Because that is what people expected of me. But I never thought, it would mean, isolating myself from the people I love. Or going without food. Or heat, because I just can't afford it.
Talk about having one's character tested. I feel like mine gets more than just a daily test. I try holding it together. Not letting people see the cracks. Hiding my weakness. Pushing them further and further down. But at the same time, those things are breaking me. I feel like my soul is being shattered. No matter how hard I work to keep it together, it just doesn't work!
And to make things worse. I got into a fight with my dad. I called my parents, just to say Hi! And it turned into WWIII. Why can't people see things from my perspective? I'm trying my hardest. The only way I know how. And it is still not enough? It's not enough for my dad. But then again, my dad expects me to do everything, without so much as a second thought. Why can't my dad see that I have too much on my plate? Or that his daughter needs 5 minutes of peace and quiet. Why can't he see that I am just a human being? Just like the rest of his kids. Someone who needs sleep, food, and an occasional day off. But he doesn't. He doesn't understand my insistence of doing things for myself. Of being an independent woman. The woman that he taught me to be.
When I was a kid, he told me to be independent. Not to rely on anyone. Never to depend on a man for money, status, love, happiness, etc. To go out there and do it for myself. My dad told me that there would be rough days ahead. But with a plan, some sacrifice, and a whole lot of willpower, I could get anything done. So that is exactly what I am doing right now. Why can't he see it?
Do I feel horrible? Yes! On a day, that should have been filled with thoughts of a brand new baby girl and the most glorious music in the world, I am sitting here miserable. To the depths of my soul, wondering what kind of person I am. Crying and trying to understand the struggles and lessons that God has laid out before me.
As an adult, even I am somewhat lost. I can just imagine what a 4 year old and 2-2 year olds are feeling. But I need to look past it. Past Mems insisting that he would pay for a ticket. Because his daughter, my other Goddaughter, really wanted me to be there tonight. I see this as a test. A test of strength and willpower. One day, one day in my future, I will be able to afford the necessities in life. Regular and descent meals. And maybe even a concert or 2.
Until then, there is a pile of laundry that needs to be washed. A toilet that needs to be cleaned. And a pile of files that needs my attention. What a glamorous life I live! I once took a stage, played for thousands of people a night. Made them smile, laugh, and helped them to have a good time. Tonight, I will be scrubbing the bathroom. And lugging my dirty laundry to my friend's house. Because not even my washing machine has the will to go on. Here's to a good night of housework!
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
I broke the hearts of Marissa, Maribel, and Lauren. Because I really can't afford to go see them perform! I wish I could. But I can't. And there is nothing I can do about that small fact. Yes, 2 months ago, I asked for tonight off. Just so I could see them take the big stage. Not to mention, to see my friends perform. Heck, at one point, I thought I might actually play too! And of course, to get to see Pepe Aguilar. My favorite singer. The one that I have already missed 4 times, in the last 6 months. But $67 is just too much for me.
Especially, considering that I didn't have enough money, to pay my tuition payment yesterday. I used my entire paycheck from J. But it wasn't enough. Which seems to be a rather common occurrence this semester. So how can I justify spending $67? Heck, I couldn't afford the fee to go to the park, earlier today.
I feel bad. I felt bad when Maribel, my goddaughter, sat there and cried. Because I had to tell her, that I couldn't go see her tonight. But what am I supposed to do? I just finished the shows in Las Vegas. I work for J. But it is never enough. Never! School is literally sucking the life out of me. And every penny that I can get my hands on. Right at this very minute, I have $2.41 to my name. Not even enough to buy a loaf of bread or a gallon of milk.
This is my situation. Yes, I was the one that walked away from the music business, to pursue a medical degree. Because that is what people expected of me. But I never thought, it would mean, isolating myself from the people I love. Or going without food. Or heat, because I just can't afford it.
Talk about having one's character tested. I feel like mine gets more than just a daily test. I try holding it together. Not letting people see the cracks. Hiding my weakness. Pushing them further and further down. But at the same time, those things are breaking me. I feel like my soul is being shattered. No matter how hard I work to keep it together, it just doesn't work!
And to make things worse. I got into a fight with my dad. I called my parents, just to say Hi! And it turned into WWIII. Why can't people see things from my perspective? I'm trying my hardest. The only way I know how. And it is still not enough? It's not enough for my dad. But then again, my dad expects me to do everything, without so much as a second thought. Why can't my dad see that I have too much on my plate? Or that his daughter needs 5 minutes of peace and quiet. Why can't he see that I am just a human being? Just like the rest of his kids. Someone who needs sleep, food, and an occasional day off. But he doesn't. He doesn't understand my insistence of doing things for myself. Of being an independent woman. The woman that he taught me to be.
When I was a kid, he told me to be independent. Not to rely on anyone. Never to depend on a man for money, status, love, happiness, etc. To go out there and do it for myself. My dad told me that there would be rough days ahead. But with a plan, some sacrifice, and a whole lot of willpower, I could get anything done. So that is exactly what I am doing right now. Why can't he see it?
Do I feel horrible? Yes! On a day, that should have been filled with thoughts of a brand new baby girl and the most glorious music in the world, I am sitting here miserable. To the depths of my soul, wondering what kind of person I am. Crying and trying to understand the struggles and lessons that God has laid out before me.
As an adult, even I am somewhat lost. I can just imagine what a 4 year old and 2-2 year olds are feeling. But I need to look past it. Past Mems insisting that he would pay for a ticket. Because his daughter, my other Goddaughter, really wanted me to be there tonight. I see this as a test. A test of strength and willpower. One day, one day in my future, I will be able to afford the necessities in life. Regular and descent meals. And maybe even a concert or 2.
Until then, there is a pile of laundry that needs to be washed. A toilet that needs to be cleaned. And a pile of files that needs my attention. What a glamorous life I live! I once took a stage, played for thousands of people a night. Made them smile, laugh, and helped them to have a good time. Tonight, I will be scrubbing the bathroom. And lugging my dirty laundry to my friend's house. Because not even my washing machine has the will to go on. Here's to a good night of housework!
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Too Much
I am beginning to think that I have bitten off too much. You know, were life is concerned. I have absolutely no money. $21.57 sits in the bank. And I have $1.49 in my purse. That is it.
The last book order went in yesterday. And if I want to buy books in time for the beginning of the semester, the entire $3500 payment is due on Friday. Yes, this Friday. There is really nothing left for me to do. I am refusing to borrow money from anyone. And I just made a $550 payment for my internship last week. So, I am going to try to do this semester with no books. Oh, and no computer. Because I don't have the money for a computer...or for internet service.
This week has been one for the books. I have argued with my dad. I thought we were on the same page. I guess not! And then J and I got into a big fight yesterday. Why do these guys think that I am powerless? Or a damsel in distress? I am not! Whatever sacrifices I have to make, I will make. I don't need to hang all over someone for help. If I fail miserably at life, it is going to be my fault. It will not be the fault of my dad, J, or the dean.
Then this morning, I am on my way home from work. It has been an unbelievable day at work. And sitting outside my house is J and Sancho. Screw it, I just kept driving and parked my car at the park. I made the mile walk to the library at school. And now I sit here. I am so frustrated with people! Can't they just let me make these decisions for myself?
Wasn't it bad enough when I had to borrow money from J last week? Wasn't that bad enough? Sometimes I wonder. At some point, I have to come to terms that I just can't afford this. And as much as my dad wants to help me...he can't. I wish he would understand that. I seem to be the only one using my brain right now. The only one thinking clearly. You know, he has a business to worry about. And I am a 26 year old woman. If I can't get it together...then I don't deserve to go to school. I really don't.
Right now, I am an emotional basket case. I have never cried so much in my life. Not sleeping and not eating are not helping either. And I just have to somehow get through all of this. At least get through the next 2 weeks. My new plan...go to work, come home, lock myself away in my house, go to work, repeat. I am going to avoid my friends as much as humanly possible. Considering we have that wedding this weekend, it is going to be tough. And I work for J. But I am no longer going to answer the phone...or the door. I just need to get through these 2 weeks.
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
The last book order went in yesterday. And if I want to buy books in time for the beginning of the semester, the entire $3500 payment is due on Friday. Yes, this Friday. There is really nothing left for me to do. I am refusing to borrow money from anyone. And I just made a $550 payment for my internship last week. So, I am going to try to do this semester with no books. Oh, and no computer. Because I don't have the money for a computer...or for internet service.
This week has been one for the books. I have argued with my dad. I thought we were on the same page. I guess not! And then J and I got into a big fight yesterday. Why do these guys think that I am powerless? Or a damsel in distress? I am not! Whatever sacrifices I have to make, I will make. I don't need to hang all over someone for help. If I fail miserably at life, it is going to be my fault. It will not be the fault of my dad, J, or the dean.
Then this morning, I am on my way home from work. It has been an unbelievable day at work. And sitting outside my house is J and Sancho. Screw it, I just kept driving and parked my car at the park. I made the mile walk to the library at school. And now I sit here. I am so frustrated with people! Can't they just let me make these decisions for myself?
Wasn't it bad enough when I had to borrow money from J last week? Wasn't that bad enough? Sometimes I wonder. At some point, I have to come to terms that I just can't afford this. And as much as my dad wants to help me...he can't. I wish he would understand that. I seem to be the only one using my brain right now. The only one thinking clearly. You know, he has a business to worry about. And I am a 26 year old woman. If I can't get it together...then I don't deserve to go to school. I really don't.
Right now, I am an emotional basket case. I have never cried so much in my life. Not sleeping and not eating are not helping either. And I just have to somehow get through all of this. At least get through the next 2 weeks. My new plan...go to work, come home, lock myself away in my house, go to work, repeat. I am going to avoid my friends as much as humanly possible. Considering we have that wedding this weekend, it is going to be tough. And I work for J. But I am no longer going to answer the phone...or the door. I just need to get through these 2 weeks.
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Money Spread Thin
Yes folks, I am in full out worry mode. Currently, I have a very, very limited number of funds. And I have a lot of expenses. It doesn't help that I work between 100-120 hours a week...for free! You have to love an internship!
I can only pay one thing right now. So I have spent the last 4 hours worrying and wondering. Books, scrubs, deodorant, toilet paper, a wedding gift, food, or my water bill??? What to pay, what to pay??? This is insanity! I need to order books, but I absolutely do not have $3500 floating around. This is going to be a semester without books. Let's see how that goes. Scrubs, I don't even want to talk about it. I have a $300 bill. They are going to have to keep my scrubs until after school starts. Because right now, I can't afford them! Thank goodness that the order is on back order.
And a wedding gift, I can't even think about it. My poor friends are just going to have to wait. And although necessities like deodorant, toilet paper, and food are almost essential to life...they will have to wait. That last roll of TP is going to have to last at least 10 days. So will the deodorant. And this is not the first time I have gone without eating...and I am sure it will not be the last. But that water bill...it will get paid. Because it needs to.
I am going back to stressing out over the cost of school. If the government wants us to go to school, can't they make it more affordable? I go to a state university, and I can barely afford it. If we are short doctors like everyone keeps saying, well Hello folks! Give us some help. Not everyone is going to be like me. Not everyone is going to sacrifice eating to pay for school. I know why we are short doctors, people can't afford to do it. And I am beginning to wonder if I can.
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
I can only pay one thing right now. So I have spent the last 4 hours worrying and wondering. Books, scrubs, deodorant, toilet paper, a wedding gift, food, or my water bill??? What to pay, what to pay??? This is insanity! I need to order books, but I absolutely do not have $3500 floating around. This is going to be a semester without books. Let's see how that goes. Scrubs, I don't even want to talk about it. I have a $300 bill. They are going to have to keep my scrubs until after school starts. Because right now, I can't afford them! Thank goodness that the order is on back order.
And a wedding gift, I can't even think about it. My poor friends are just going to have to wait. And although necessities like deodorant, toilet paper, and food are almost essential to life...they will have to wait. That last roll of TP is going to have to last at least 10 days. So will the deodorant. And this is not the first time I have gone without eating...and I am sure it will not be the last. But that water bill...it will get paid. Because it needs to.
I am going back to stressing out over the cost of school. If the government wants us to go to school, can't they make it more affordable? I go to a state university, and I can barely afford it. If we are short doctors like everyone keeps saying, well Hello folks! Give us some help. Not everyone is going to be like me. Not everyone is going to sacrifice eating to pay for school. I know why we are short doctors, people can't afford to do it. And I am beginning to wonder if I can.
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Waiting on the World
It's more like waiting on J. I need $500 for a down payment for my internship. It's due tomorrow. And I only have $167.43. There's a problem. To say that I have been stressed out...that is the understatement of the century! I was definitely not going to call my Dad with that news. And well, the music stuff has been a little slow this summer. Almost nonexistent really.
So J being the most awesome friend (and boss) is loaning me $350. It's more like I am getting an advance on my paycheck. Which payday isn't for another 8 days...and I would still be about $100 short. I love my friend J. And not just because he lends me money when I am in a pinch. But also because he is a good hearted friend. A really good guy at the heart of things. There is something to be said for a real Texas gentleman...and cowboy!
But right now, J is on a call. We were supposed to meet last night. Two things happened. J had been working on this cockfight bust...and then he was called out to do some work for some horses that were being abused. By the time he was done for the night...I was called into work. This morning when I got off...he was already at work. The scheduling has been pretty hit and miss lately. Mostly miss.
I'm also waiting on myself to make decisions based on school. At this point, Dr. S is paying my insurance for the hospital internship. Bless that man's soul! That is $5000 I don't have to worry about. It could be slightly higher because our insurance was supposed to go up...AGAIN! My first tuition payment is due August 14th...$500. The rest, I have opted for the payment plan this semester. And I am praying for some more gigs between now and December. If not, I might have to start selling my furniture or something to pay for school.
And books. My dear books. Because of the courses I am taking, they have to be ordered early. And well, money has been extra tight this summer. $3500 was due last Friday. I promptly told my Dean that I just couldn't afford it right now. I think he silently prayed for a miracle. He gave me until this Friday to come up with the money. But I can barely come up with $500 for my internship. So I will miss the book order. In return, I will have to pay $500 in shipping and late charges. Isn't that insane? And I probably won't get to order my books until sometime at the end of August or the beginning of September...way after school starts.
People never tell you about all these crazy expenses when they are trying to talk you into school. But it is insane! I still have to get a computer, a digital camera, DSL, cable, school supplies, scrubs, and surgical shoes. Who knows when that will happen though. I can't work a "normal job" because of my internship. But I need all of these things because of my internship. I am officially flat broke. And I have no food. Yes, folks I have no food. I ate 2 cheese slices for breakfast because that is pretty much all I've got.
I often wonder why nursing students get so much help for school...yet medical students get next to nothing. I mean, I am grateful for the $200 I get for being on the Dean's List. But that doesn't even cover one book. And we are seriously short of doctors...especially around here. I think I know why. People just can't afford it! But I am staying optimistic about it all. Waiting on J, waiting on work, and hoping for a PAYING job.
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
So J being the most awesome friend (and boss) is loaning me $350. It's more like I am getting an advance on my paycheck. Which payday isn't for another 8 days...and I would still be about $100 short. I love my friend J. And not just because he lends me money when I am in a pinch. But also because he is a good hearted friend. A really good guy at the heart of things. There is something to be said for a real Texas gentleman...and cowboy!
But right now, J is on a call. We were supposed to meet last night. Two things happened. J had been working on this cockfight bust...and then he was called out to do some work for some horses that were being abused. By the time he was done for the night...I was called into work. This morning when I got off...he was already at work. The scheduling has been pretty hit and miss lately. Mostly miss.
I'm also waiting on myself to make decisions based on school. At this point, Dr. S is paying my insurance for the hospital internship. Bless that man's soul! That is $5000 I don't have to worry about. It could be slightly higher because our insurance was supposed to go up...AGAIN! My first tuition payment is due August 14th...$500. The rest, I have opted for the payment plan this semester. And I am praying for some more gigs between now and December. If not, I might have to start selling my furniture or something to pay for school.
And books. My dear books. Because of the courses I am taking, they have to be ordered early. And well, money has been extra tight this summer. $3500 was due last Friday. I promptly told my Dean that I just couldn't afford it right now. I think he silently prayed for a miracle. He gave me until this Friday to come up with the money. But I can barely come up with $500 for my internship. So I will miss the book order. In return, I will have to pay $500 in shipping and late charges. Isn't that insane? And I probably won't get to order my books until sometime at the end of August or the beginning of September...way after school starts.
People never tell you about all these crazy expenses when they are trying to talk you into school. But it is insane! I still have to get a computer, a digital camera, DSL, cable, school supplies, scrubs, and surgical shoes. Who knows when that will happen though. I can't work a "normal job" because of my internship. But I need all of these things because of my internship. I am officially flat broke. And I have no food. Yes, folks I have no food. I ate 2 cheese slices for breakfast because that is pretty much all I've got.
I often wonder why nursing students get so much help for school...yet medical students get next to nothing. I mean, I am grateful for the $200 I get for being on the Dean's List. But that doesn't even cover one book. And we are seriously short of doctors...especially around here. I think I know why. People just can't afford it! But I am staying optimistic about it all. Waiting on J, waiting on work, and hoping for a PAYING job.
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
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