Yes I am!!! You can hit me if you want to. Or punish me, by not reading my blog. But I do have some legitimate excuses. I knew that last week and this week were going to be rough. So I sat down and typed up a bunch of blog posts. Then I put them on auto-post. Well, it didn't work. In fact, I don't know where the 14 blogs went. I will post them to their correct dates sometime this weekend. Good thing I have them saved as word documents. Or who knows what I would do!
These past 2 weeks...have been filled with final exams, clinicals, presentations, teaching, traveling, being sick, and working. My plate has been a little full! But I'm trying to keep it together. I got sick last Wednesday, and I'm still not feeling good. I'm mean, I'm doing tons better than Thursday. But still only at 70%. Last Thursday, I spent the entire day in bed. Pretty much from Wednesday night until Friday around noon, I was sick in bed. I slept almost 24 hours straight! It was almost too much for me to deal with.
But life is returning to "normal." Or as "normal" as you can get in the middle of the holiday season! I'm still feeling like Scrooge or the Grinch. You can pick whichever one you would like. I haven't decorated. Or baked. Or wrapped presents. I have done most of my shopping. But that is the end of my holiday preparation. I just don't know what's wrong with me this year. I need to get it together. Christmas is in days!!!
In 30 minutes or so, I will be heading to my parents' house. 3-4 hours from here. Today is their company party. And I agreed to help them get ready for it. I need to do some baking. And all of that fun stuff!!! Then Saturday, I head home. I have to work until December 23rd. Not too bad! I should be happy to have Christmas Eve through December 27th off.
I'm also counting the days until I get to see my oldest brother. In fact, I've switched a few days at work. So that I can go see him on January 4th. He will be moving back to our hometown. My parents and I are really excited! My parents are actually going to go visit him this weekend. They are going to start moving his things home.
And in case you were wondering. I did do my drawing for my giveaway. I left the giveaway open until December 10th. That morning I went to Random.org and put in 86 numbers. I can't believe I got 86 comments! The lucky number was #9. Kind of ironic. But very fun! I contacted Anna Marie and sent out her scarf on Saturday. I hope she has received it by now! I should probably check in with her. Have a wonderful weekend!
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
Showing posts with label Bad Stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bad Stuff. Show all posts
Friday, December 18, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Learning to Smile
I'm one of those women, that was raised to not let people know when things were bad. I was told to smile and go on. I never got the chance to mourn the loss of loved ones. I never was able to just cry. Or to feel bad. When my world was crumbling down, I was told to smile. To put a smile on my face and to "Keep on truckin'." And that's what I did.
One of the things that I remember more than anything else, was when my dad would spank me. Then if I were to cry, he would tell me, "Do you want me to give you something to cry about? If not, stop crying and put a smile on that face." I was raised "old school." I was not a bad kid. But I knew, if I stepped out of line, I was going to get it. We had a wooden paddle. And I knew, if I was bad, I would get spanked.
I never feared being spanked. I just hated the fact that I was supposed to pretend to be happy. Even when I wasn't. I HATED that! To no end, I really hated that! But I have to say, I grew up a good kid. My parents didn't just expect straight A's, they demanded them. Because that was my job. To go to school and get A's.
I never had a curfew. We really didn't have rules. Most of my friends were older than I was. My best friend, Enzo, is a 3 years older than me. As an adult, that is nothing. But as kids, it was centuries. I was never the teenager that got drunk, or was a rebel. I was the one that helped out. I took care of nieces and nephews. I helped my grandma. Worked in our office. And did what needed to be done.
Years later, I still suffer from this. And yes, I said suffer. There are days when the bottom completely falls out from under me. Completely! I am in free fall. But I sit here with a smile on my face telling people I'm good. Inside, I am struggling just to breath. Willing the tears to go deep inside of me. Trying to make it through my day.
Then one day, I just lost it. I fell completely apart. It was ironic, I was in my family counseling professor's office. He just let me cry and talk. For hours and hours. My poor professor. He thought I was going to ask him about our upcoming final. Instead, everything just came pouring out from my soul.
He helped me to find a counselor. Someone I could talk to, multiple times a week, for years. I was diagnosed as not just clinically depressed. But severely, clinically depressed. The worst that you could get. I was put on anti-depressants and went to counseling. And for the most part, I was feeling better. I could deal with emotions. Instead of bottling them all up. I finally had someone I could talk to. And I tried. I pushed forward.
Then I started to feel the financial pinch. I was struggling to pay for basics, like toilet paper and bread. I stopped going to counseling. But I tried to pay for my anti-depressants. Then I went from taking the correct doses, to maybe every other day. To only taking them when I was having a really bad day. To not taking them at all. The bottom really fell out then. I could feel the downward spiral of my life begin, yet again.
School got harder and harder to pay for. I couldn't afford books. Then tuition got to be too bad. And the bottom just fell out. I didn't have books. I couldn't pay for Internet access. My computer blew up. And I wasn't working nearly as much as I had been. The music stuff, just wasn't paying off.
Like "Prince Charming," J came to my rescue. I had been working for my friend. For a few years by now. And I really leaned on him. One night, while I was working, I could hear him on the back porch. Because my office is in his house. And I just needed a break. It was the middle of July. And probably 105*F. No lie!
He just sat there. In his big 'ol rocking chair. Looking out to the fields behind his house. Dogs laying at his feet. And it hit me. I wanted more out of this life. More than I was allowing myself to have. I wanted to be happy. To be genuinely happy. When it comes from deep down inside. When you are so happy that you are jumping out of your skin! I hadn't felt that in years. Since before my Uncle Al passed away.
I sat in the other chair. And just rocked. It was calm. The heat of the night was suddenly stable. The stars felt calming. The constant sound of J's breathing a HUGE comfort. And I sat there. We sat there. For at least an hour, in silence. Before I broke down.
There are not many people that I feel completely safe with. Or comfortable with. I think that is why I distance myself from people. I'm not sure who I can trust. And how much of my life I can trust them with. Or if they will come back to hurt me. I don't know if I am a burden to them. Because my entire childhood, I felt like a burden to my parents. I felt like I could never go to them, when things got tough. That is a bad habit I learned.
But all of a sudden J came over to me. Scooped me up. And let me cry. Let me cry until the tears dried up. Until there was nothing left inside. The kind of crying that leaves you gasping for air. That completely drains your body of all it's energy. Then he let me talk. Never interrupting. Just let me talk. We stayed like that, well until the sun came up. Me crawled up in his lap. His arms wrapped tightly around me. Letting me know that I was safe.
That was the very first time, as an adult, that I have ever felt safe. I could sit there and cry and bare my soul. And I knew, he would never judge me. Instead, he just held me. Held me tight. The harder I cried, the more empty I felt, the tighter he held me. J is one of the very best friends that I have. I honestly, could not find a better friend.
That was the day that we promised each other something. When things got bad, I could just call him. No matter what was going on, he would be here for me. And I would let him financially help me. He is the only person I let help me. When something comes up, I go to him. And he puts up the money. And I work for him. Essentially, we have gotten to the point were he pays for all of my tuition ahead of time. Then I work the semester to pay him back.
For the most part it works out. And there are definitely nights when he finds me sitting on his porch crying. Like when we lose a patient. I work with kids, and that's tough. But he'll come and just let me cry. He tries to carry some of my burden. Making my life a little easier. Never trying to make my life better or easier. Just letting me get everything out. Letting me know, if there is anything I need, he is there.
To be honest, he is the only person, on this planet, that can just look at me and know when my world is crumbling. He can tell when I have had too much. Or when I just need to talk. J knows when I am just saying that I am fine, and when I am really fine. He knows the difference between my "I need to look happy" smile, and a genuine smile.
Sometimes life just gets tough. And sometimes you just need to fall apart. To just cry until your tears dry up. And you are red nosed. Until your eyes are swollen. We all need to know, that it is OK. We are not all made out of steel. There are times when the strongest of people need to crumble. We all need someone that will be here for us when we laugh and when we cry. And someone who can genuinely make us smile. Thank you J for being that person for me!
Right now, life is not at all easy. I feel like, not only is my back up against the wall. But I am stuck in a corner. Just trying to make it. I honestly don't know if I can financially go on with school like this. I can barely keep it together some days. Work is just killing me. And I don't mean working 100+ hours for no pay. I mean, seeing all these kids suffer.
But at the end of the day, I know I have at least one person on my team. One person that will love me whether I go on to be a doctor. Or if I end up working at Target for the rest of my life. I have one person on my team letting me know, that it is OK to be human. That we all have our weaknesses. And sometimes, it is OK to let them show. That it is OK to tell someone "No" or to find someone else to take care of a situation. For the first time in my life, I am understanding, that my dreams, MY DREAMS, deserve to be chased after. It is my life, and I need to be happy too! Thanks J! I know being on "Team Lola" can be tough. But I hope you know how much I love and appreciate that you are cheering me on. Regardless of how many times I stumble. :)
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
One of the things that I remember more than anything else, was when my dad would spank me. Then if I were to cry, he would tell me, "Do you want me to give you something to cry about? If not, stop crying and put a smile on that face." I was raised "old school." I was not a bad kid. But I knew, if I stepped out of line, I was going to get it. We had a wooden paddle. And I knew, if I was bad, I would get spanked.
I never feared being spanked. I just hated the fact that I was supposed to pretend to be happy. Even when I wasn't. I HATED that! To no end, I really hated that! But I have to say, I grew up a good kid. My parents didn't just expect straight A's, they demanded them. Because that was my job. To go to school and get A's.
I never had a curfew. We really didn't have rules. Most of my friends were older than I was. My best friend, Enzo, is a 3 years older than me. As an adult, that is nothing. But as kids, it was centuries. I was never the teenager that got drunk, or was a rebel. I was the one that helped out. I took care of nieces and nephews. I helped my grandma. Worked in our office. And did what needed to be done.
Years later, I still suffer from this. And yes, I said suffer. There are days when the bottom completely falls out from under me. Completely! I am in free fall. But I sit here with a smile on my face telling people I'm good. Inside, I am struggling just to breath. Willing the tears to go deep inside of me. Trying to make it through my day.
Then one day, I just lost it. I fell completely apart. It was ironic, I was in my family counseling professor's office. He just let me cry and talk. For hours and hours. My poor professor. He thought I was going to ask him about our upcoming final. Instead, everything just came pouring out from my soul.
He helped me to find a counselor. Someone I could talk to, multiple times a week, for years. I was diagnosed as not just clinically depressed. But severely, clinically depressed. The worst that you could get. I was put on anti-depressants and went to counseling. And for the most part, I was feeling better. I could deal with emotions. Instead of bottling them all up. I finally had someone I could talk to. And I tried. I pushed forward.
Then I started to feel the financial pinch. I was struggling to pay for basics, like toilet paper and bread. I stopped going to counseling. But I tried to pay for my anti-depressants. Then I went from taking the correct doses, to maybe every other day. To only taking them when I was having a really bad day. To not taking them at all. The bottom really fell out then. I could feel the downward spiral of my life begin, yet again.
School got harder and harder to pay for. I couldn't afford books. Then tuition got to be too bad. And the bottom just fell out. I didn't have books. I couldn't pay for Internet access. My computer blew up. And I wasn't working nearly as much as I had been. The music stuff, just wasn't paying off.
Like "Prince Charming," J came to my rescue. I had been working for my friend. For a few years by now. And I really leaned on him. One night, while I was working, I could hear him on the back porch. Because my office is in his house. And I just needed a break. It was the middle of July. And probably 105*F. No lie!
He just sat there. In his big 'ol rocking chair. Looking out to the fields behind his house. Dogs laying at his feet. And it hit me. I wanted more out of this life. More than I was allowing myself to have. I wanted to be happy. To be genuinely happy. When it comes from deep down inside. When you are so happy that you are jumping out of your skin! I hadn't felt that in years. Since before my Uncle Al passed away.
I sat in the other chair. And just rocked. It was calm. The heat of the night was suddenly stable. The stars felt calming. The constant sound of J's breathing a HUGE comfort. And I sat there. We sat there. For at least an hour, in silence. Before I broke down.
There are not many people that I feel completely safe with. Or comfortable with. I think that is why I distance myself from people. I'm not sure who I can trust. And how much of my life I can trust them with. Or if they will come back to hurt me. I don't know if I am a burden to them. Because my entire childhood, I felt like a burden to my parents. I felt like I could never go to them, when things got tough. That is a bad habit I learned.
But all of a sudden J came over to me. Scooped me up. And let me cry. Let me cry until the tears dried up. Until there was nothing left inside. The kind of crying that leaves you gasping for air. That completely drains your body of all it's energy. Then he let me talk. Never interrupting. Just let me talk. We stayed like that, well until the sun came up. Me crawled up in his lap. His arms wrapped tightly around me. Letting me know that I was safe.
That was the very first time, as an adult, that I have ever felt safe. I could sit there and cry and bare my soul. And I knew, he would never judge me. Instead, he just held me. Held me tight. The harder I cried, the more empty I felt, the tighter he held me. J is one of the very best friends that I have. I honestly, could not find a better friend.
That was the day that we promised each other something. When things got bad, I could just call him. No matter what was going on, he would be here for me. And I would let him financially help me. He is the only person I let help me. When something comes up, I go to him. And he puts up the money. And I work for him. Essentially, we have gotten to the point were he pays for all of my tuition ahead of time. Then I work the semester to pay him back.
For the most part it works out. And there are definitely nights when he finds me sitting on his porch crying. Like when we lose a patient. I work with kids, and that's tough. But he'll come and just let me cry. He tries to carry some of my burden. Making my life a little easier. Never trying to make my life better or easier. Just letting me get everything out. Letting me know, if there is anything I need, he is there.
To be honest, he is the only person, on this planet, that can just look at me and know when my world is crumbling. He can tell when I have had too much. Or when I just need to talk. J knows when I am just saying that I am fine, and when I am really fine. He knows the difference between my "I need to look happy" smile, and a genuine smile.
Sometimes life just gets tough. And sometimes you just need to fall apart. To just cry until your tears dry up. And you are red nosed. Until your eyes are swollen. We all need to know, that it is OK. We are not all made out of steel. There are times when the strongest of people need to crumble. We all need someone that will be here for us when we laugh and when we cry. And someone who can genuinely make us smile. Thank you J for being that person for me!
Right now, life is not at all easy. I feel like, not only is my back up against the wall. But I am stuck in a corner. Just trying to make it. I honestly don't know if I can financially go on with school like this. I can barely keep it together some days. Work is just killing me. And I don't mean working 100+ hours for no pay. I mean, seeing all these kids suffer.
But at the end of the day, I know I have at least one person on my team. One person that will love me whether I go on to be a doctor. Or if I end up working at Target for the rest of my life. I have one person on my team letting me know, that it is OK to be human. That we all have our weaknesses. And sometimes, it is OK to let them show. That it is OK to tell someone "No" or to find someone else to take care of a situation. For the first time in my life, I am understanding, that my dreams, MY DREAMS, deserve to be chased after. It is my life, and I need to be happy too! Thanks J! I know being on "Team Lola" can be tough. But I hope you know how much I love and appreciate that you are cheering me on. Regardless of how many times I stumble. :)
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Am I a Bad Person?
I feel horrible right now. Not the way I thought today was going to go. Not in the least bit. After all, I finally finished Emma Grace's nursery. Every ladybug in it's place. Pink blankets and cute bows fill her new nursery. But I still feel worse that a blood-sucking leech!
I broke the hearts of Marissa, Maribel, and Lauren. Because I really can't afford to go see them perform! I wish I could. But I can't. And there is nothing I can do about that small fact. Yes, 2 months ago, I asked for tonight off. Just so I could see them take the big stage. Not to mention, to see my friends perform. Heck, at one point, I thought I might actually play too! And of course, to get to see Pepe Aguilar. My favorite singer. The one that I have already missed 4 times, in the last 6 months. But $67 is just too much for me.
Especially, considering that I didn't have enough money, to pay my tuition payment yesterday. I used my entire paycheck from J. But it wasn't enough. Which seems to be a rather common occurrence this semester. So how can I justify spending $67? Heck, I couldn't afford the fee to go to the park, earlier today.
I feel bad. I felt bad when Maribel, my goddaughter, sat there and cried. Because I had to tell her, that I couldn't go see her tonight. But what am I supposed to do? I just finished the shows in Las Vegas. I work for J. But it is never enough. Never! School is literally sucking the life out of me. And every penny that I can get my hands on. Right at this very minute, I have $2.41 to my name. Not even enough to buy a loaf of bread or a gallon of milk.
This is my situation. Yes, I was the one that walked away from the music business, to pursue a medical degree. Because that is what people expected of me. But I never thought, it would mean, isolating myself from the people I love. Or going without food. Or heat, because I just can't afford it.
Talk about having one's character tested. I feel like mine gets more than just a daily test. I try holding it together. Not letting people see the cracks. Hiding my weakness. Pushing them further and further down. But at the same time, those things are breaking me. I feel like my soul is being shattered. No matter how hard I work to keep it together, it just doesn't work!
And to make things worse. I got into a fight with my dad. I called my parents, just to say Hi! And it turned into WWIII. Why can't people see things from my perspective? I'm trying my hardest. The only way I know how. And it is still not enough? It's not enough for my dad. But then again, my dad expects me to do everything, without so much as a second thought. Why can't my dad see that I have too much on my plate? Or that his daughter needs 5 minutes of peace and quiet. Why can't he see that I am just a human being? Just like the rest of his kids. Someone who needs sleep, food, and an occasional day off. But he doesn't. He doesn't understand my insistence of doing things for myself. Of being an independent woman. The woman that he taught me to be.
When I was a kid, he told me to be independent. Not to rely on anyone. Never to depend on a man for money, status, love, happiness, etc. To go out there and do it for myself. My dad told me that there would be rough days ahead. But with a plan, some sacrifice, and a whole lot of willpower, I could get anything done. So that is exactly what I am doing right now. Why can't he see it?
Do I feel horrible? Yes! On a day, that should have been filled with thoughts of a brand new baby girl and the most glorious music in the world, I am sitting here miserable. To the depths of my soul, wondering what kind of person I am. Crying and trying to understand the struggles and lessons that God has laid out before me.
As an adult, even I am somewhat lost. I can just imagine what a 4 year old and 2-2 year olds are feeling. But I need to look past it. Past Mems insisting that he would pay for a ticket. Because his daughter, my other Goddaughter, really wanted me to be there tonight. I see this as a test. A test of strength and willpower. One day, one day in my future, I will be able to afford the necessities in life. Regular and descent meals. And maybe even a concert or 2.
Until then, there is a pile of laundry that needs to be washed. A toilet that needs to be cleaned. And a pile of files that needs my attention. What a glamorous life I live! I once took a stage, played for thousands of people a night. Made them smile, laugh, and helped them to have a good time. Tonight, I will be scrubbing the bathroom. And lugging my dirty laundry to my friend's house. Because not even my washing machine has the will to go on. Here's to a good night of housework!
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
I broke the hearts of Marissa, Maribel, and Lauren. Because I really can't afford to go see them perform! I wish I could. But I can't. And there is nothing I can do about that small fact. Yes, 2 months ago, I asked for tonight off. Just so I could see them take the big stage. Not to mention, to see my friends perform. Heck, at one point, I thought I might actually play too! And of course, to get to see Pepe Aguilar. My favorite singer. The one that I have already missed 4 times, in the last 6 months. But $67 is just too much for me.
Especially, considering that I didn't have enough money, to pay my tuition payment yesterday. I used my entire paycheck from J. But it wasn't enough. Which seems to be a rather common occurrence this semester. So how can I justify spending $67? Heck, I couldn't afford the fee to go to the park, earlier today.
I feel bad. I felt bad when Maribel, my goddaughter, sat there and cried. Because I had to tell her, that I couldn't go see her tonight. But what am I supposed to do? I just finished the shows in Las Vegas. I work for J. But it is never enough. Never! School is literally sucking the life out of me. And every penny that I can get my hands on. Right at this very minute, I have $2.41 to my name. Not even enough to buy a loaf of bread or a gallon of milk.
This is my situation. Yes, I was the one that walked away from the music business, to pursue a medical degree. Because that is what people expected of me. But I never thought, it would mean, isolating myself from the people I love. Or going without food. Or heat, because I just can't afford it.
Talk about having one's character tested. I feel like mine gets more than just a daily test. I try holding it together. Not letting people see the cracks. Hiding my weakness. Pushing them further and further down. But at the same time, those things are breaking me. I feel like my soul is being shattered. No matter how hard I work to keep it together, it just doesn't work!
And to make things worse. I got into a fight with my dad. I called my parents, just to say Hi! And it turned into WWIII. Why can't people see things from my perspective? I'm trying my hardest. The only way I know how. And it is still not enough? It's not enough for my dad. But then again, my dad expects me to do everything, without so much as a second thought. Why can't my dad see that I have too much on my plate? Or that his daughter needs 5 minutes of peace and quiet. Why can't he see that I am just a human being? Just like the rest of his kids. Someone who needs sleep, food, and an occasional day off. But he doesn't. He doesn't understand my insistence of doing things for myself. Of being an independent woman. The woman that he taught me to be.
When I was a kid, he told me to be independent. Not to rely on anyone. Never to depend on a man for money, status, love, happiness, etc. To go out there and do it for myself. My dad told me that there would be rough days ahead. But with a plan, some sacrifice, and a whole lot of willpower, I could get anything done. So that is exactly what I am doing right now. Why can't he see it?
Do I feel horrible? Yes! On a day, that should have been filled with thoughts of a brand new baby girl and the most glorious music in the world, I am sitting here miserable. To the depths of my soul, wondering what kind of person I am. Crying and trying to understand the struggles and lessons that God has laid out before me.
As an adult, even I am somewhat lost. I can just imagine what a 4 year old and 2-2 year olds are feeling. But I need to look past it. Past Mems insisting that he would pay for a ticket. Because his daughter, my other Goddaughter, really wanted me to be there tonight. I see this as a test. A test of strength and willpower. One day, one day in my future, I will be able to afford the necessities in life. Regular and descent meals. And maybe even a concert or 2.
Until then, there is a pile of laundry that needs to be washed. A toilet that needs to be cleaned. And a pile of files that needs my attention. What a glamorous life I live! I once took a stage, played for thousands of people a night. Made them smile, laugh, and helped them to have a good time. Tonight, I will be scrubbing the bathroom. And lugging my dirty laundry to my friend's house. Because not even my washing machine has the will to go on. Here's to a good night of housework!
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Too Much
I am beginning to think that I have bitten off too much. You know, were life is concerned. I have absolutely no money. $21.57 sits in the bank. And I have $1.49 in my purse. That is it.
The last book order went in yesterday. And if I want to buy books in time for the beginning of the semester, the entire $3500 payment is due on Friday. Yes, this Friday. There is really nothing left for me to do. I am refusing to borrow money from anyone. And I just made a $550 payment for my internship last week. So, I am going to try to do this semester with no books. Oh, and no computer. Because I don't have the money for a computer...or for internet service.
This week has been one for the books. I have argued with my dad. I thought we were on the same page. I guess not! And then J and I got into a big fight yesterday. Why do these guys think that I am powerless? Or a damsel in distress? I am not! Whatever sacrifices I have to make, I will make. I don't need to hang all over someone for help. If I fail miserably at life, it is going to be my fault. It will not be the fault of my dad, J, or the dean.
Then this morning, I am on my way home from work. It has been an unbelievable day at work. And sitting outside my house is J and Sancho. Screw it, I just kept driving and parked my car at the park. I made the mile walk to the library at school. And now I sit here. I am so frustrated with people! Can't they just let me make these decisions for myself?
Wasn't it bad enough when I had to borrow money from J last week? Wasn't that bad enough? Sometimes I wonder. At some point, I have to come to terms that I just can't afford this. And as much as my dad wants to help me...he can't. I wish he would understand that. I seem to be the only one using my brain right now. The only one thinking clearly. You know, he has a business to worry about. And I am a 26 year old woman. If I can't get it together...then I don't deserve to go to school. I really don't.
Right now, I am an emotional basket case. I have never cried so much in my life. Not sleeping and not eating are not helping either. And I just have to somehow get through all of this. At least get through the next 2 weeks. My new plan...go to work, come home, lock myself away in my house, go to work, repeat. I am going to avoid my friends as much as humanly possible. Considering we have that wedding this weekend, it is going to be tough. And I work for J. But I am no longer going to answer the phone...or the door. I just need to get through these 2 weeks.
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
The last book order went in yesterday. And if I want to buy books in time for the beginning of the semester, the entire $3500 payment is due on Friday. Yes, this Friday. There is really nothing left for me to do. I am refusing to borrow money from anyone. And I just made a $550 payment for my internship last week. So, I am going to try to do this semester with no books. Oh, and no computer. Because I don't have the money for a computer...or for internet service.
This week has been one for the books. I have argued with my dad. I thought we were on the same page. I guess not! And then J and I got into a big fight yesterday. Why do these guys think that I am powerless? Or a damsel in distress? I am not! Whatever sacrifices I have to make, I will make. I don't need to hang all over someone for help. If I fail miserably at life, it is going to be my fault. It will not be the fault of my dad, J, or the dean.
Then this morning, I am on my way home from work. It has been an unbelievable day at work. And sitting outside my house is J and Sancho. Screw it, I just kept driving and parked my car at the park. I made the mile walk to the library at school. And now I sit here. I am so frustrated with people! Can't they just let me make these decisions for myself?
Wasn't it bad enough when I had to borrow money from J last week? Wasn't that bad enough? Sometimes I wonder. At some point, I have to come to terms that I just can't afford this. And as much as my dad wants to help me...he can't. I wish he would understand that. I seem to be the only one using my brain right now. The only one thinking clearly. You know, he has a business to worry about. And I am a 26 year old woman. If I can't get it together...then I don't deserve to go to school. I really don't.
Right now, I am an emotional basket case. I have never cried so much in my life. Not sleeping and not eating are not helping either. And I just have to somehow get through all of this. At least get through the next 2 weeks. My new plan...go to work, come home, lock myself away in my house, go to work, repeat. I am going to avoid my friends as much as humanly possible. Considering we have that wedding this weekend, it is going to be tough. And I work for J. But I am no longer going to answer the phone...or the door. I just need to get through these 2 weeks.
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Money Spread Thin
Yes folks, I am in full out worry mode. Currently, I have a very, very limited number of funds. And I have a lot of expenses. It doesn't help that I work between 100-120 hours a week...for free! You have to love an internship!
I can only pay one thing right now. So I have spent the last 4 hours worrying and wondering. Books, scrubs, deodorant, toilet paper, a wedding gift, food, or my water bill??? What to pay, what to pay??? This is insanity! I need to order books, but I absolutely do not have $3500 floating around. This is going to be a semester without books. Let's see how that goes. Scrubs, I don't even want to talk about it. I have a $300 bill. They are going to have to keep my scrubs until after school starts. Because right now, I can't afford them! Thank goodness that the order is on back order.
And a wedding gift, I can't even think about it. My poor friends are just going to have to wait. And although necessities like deodorant, toilet paper, and food are almost essential to life...they will have to wait. That last roll of TP is going to have to last at least 10 days. So will the deodorant. And this is not the first time I have gone without eating...and I am sure it will not be the last. But that water bill...it will get paid. Because it needs to.
I am going back to stressing out over the cost of school. If the government wants us to go to school, can't they make it more affordable? I go to a state university, and I can barely afford it. If we are short doctors like everyone keeps saying, well Hello folks! Give us some help. Not everyone is going to be like me. Not everyone is going to sacrifice eating to pay for school. I know why we are short doctors, people can't afford to do it. And I am beginning to wonder if I can.
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
I can only pay one thing right now. So I have spent the last 4 hours worrying and wondering. Books, scrubs, deodorant, toilet paper, a wedding gift, food, or my water bill??? What to pay, what to pay??? This is insanity! I need to order books, but I absolutely do not have $3500 floating around. This is going to be a semester without books. Let's see how that goes. Scrubs, I don't even want to talk about it. I have a $300 bill. They are going to have to keep my scrubs until after school starts. Because right now, I can't afford them! Thank goodness that the order is on back order.
And a wedding gift, I can't even think about it. My poor friends are just going to have to wait. And although necessities like deodorant, toilet paper, and food are almost essential to life...they will have to wait. That last roll of TP is going to have to last at least 10 days. So will the deodorant. And this is not the first time I have gone without eating...and I am sure it will not be the last. But that water bill...it will get paid. Because it needs to.
I am going back to stressing out over the cost of school. If the government wants us to go to school, can't they make it more affordable? I go to a state university, and I can barely afford it. If we are short doctors like everyone keeps saying, well Hello folks! Give us some help. Not everyone is going to be like me. Not everyone is going to sacrifice eating to pay for school. I know why we are short doctors, people can't afford to do it. And I am beginning to wonder if I can.
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
Monday, July 13, 2009
Love is Patient
For a few weeks...possibly 2 months now...my friend H and her new husband T have been having some problems. They met in early July 2008. Because I had a gig in NC. T is my boss, "Daddy-O's" best buddy. H came with her friends to see the BBs (the band) and I perform. We were about 2 hours from where H lives. To say H was on a mission to have a good time that night, that is the understatement of a lifetime. The same can be said for T. After quite a few drinks and dancing, they seemed to hit it off. 2 weeks after I returned home, Daddy-O, T's friend called looking for H's phone number. I gave it to him, silently hoping for the best.They started dating sometime in mid August and shortly, they moved in together. Mostly because T has an unusual job and they already lived a good 2 hours away from one another. But they were in heaven. Both loving this new relationship. I knew things were getting serious when T called to ask me about a Christmas present in October. The day before, Daddy-O, now a good friend of mine, told me that T had bought an engagement ring for H. He had it at his house for safe keeping. We took a bet on when T would pop the question. I insisted on her birthday, he insisted on Christmas. In the end, I was right. And almost a month to the day, after the engagement, we were in Sin City. The 2 of them were getting married.
Did I think it was quick? Yeah, but it also takes me 7 years to pick out living room curtains. So I won't add anything to that. They had known each other for nearly 8 months, had been dating/living together for 7 months, and been engaged for 1 month. But we all hoped and prayed for the best. It was kind of cool that between a boss and an employee, we could set up our best friends.
It was a quick Sin City wedding. Neither H nor T's families attended. H's family was pretty jealous of the situation. T's really didn't talk to him because of jealousy issues as well. It is safe to say...both had had it hard growing up. And they were both given big breaks and opportunities with this relationship. About a month later, they went on a short trip to the Bahamas. H was so happy when they returned. And I thought to myself, she really is lucky to have found this man.
To say that T's job has kinda been in limbo since May is putting it lightly. He has a really good job. But with the economy and some other issues, every week he is evaluated. H knew that. They also knew that they couldn't start try to expand their family until at least January 2010. Somehow, life veered left as H and T veered right.
At the beginning of June, H realized she was pregnant. About 2 months. She waited to tell T. Telling him that she was going to stay home for the week. Remember, I told you he travels a lot for work. They had just returned from another tropical vacation, so he didn't see anything wrong with it. Figuring that she needed some rest. H went to the doctor and everything seemed fine. T came home and she told him.
He, like any normal man not expecting this news, was in shock. Literally in shock. She took offense. And it lead to WWIII. He left, dog in tote, to Daddy-O's house. The entire week, he avoided their home. He left for work. H called me. And we talked about a fight. I didn't know what it was about. But I tried to calm her down. Daddy-O also called. We tried to figure out what had happened, but we had no clue. After a week, T went home. To only leave the same day. Now, we were really stunned.
What the heck was going on? For weeks, he camped out at Daddy-O's house. He would call home, to talk to the housekeeper, to make sure H was OK. But that was it. He and his dog didn't go home. Daddy-O had paid for their honeymoon. They were going to Hawaii on July 13th. They would be gone for 10 days or so. But on July 10th, T told Daddy-O that they weren't going. Instead, he was going to Florida with his dog. Yeah, that was it. A mutual friend tagged along to take care of T. H stopped talking to me. And we still had no clue what was happening.
This is the same H who told me that I needed to get married ASAP so our kids would grow up as best friends. Now, I don't even know if her marriage is going to last the summer. 2 days into T's drinking binge/vacation, Daddy-O went to intervene. All I really know, because of J, is that T was threatened to talk. Which wasn't too hard, since he had been drowning his sorrows at the bar for over 48 hours.
It finally came out. H had been pregnant. The weekend after their WWIII fight, she had a miscarriage. T blamed himself because of the fight. H blamed herself, because she hadn't known she was pregnant. And she hadn't really taken care of herself during those 2 months. In fact, she had drank for Cinco de Mayo, a work thing for T, and while they were on vacation.
T and I had been talking on and off during this time. H had been talking with Daddy-O. But we all finally knew. I tried to explain to both of them...it wasn't their fault. Really, could things have been handled better? Sure. But things happen. The best for them, is to learn from this situation. And to lean on each other for support, inside of running in opposite directions.
Today, I was able to talk to both of them. Individually of course. Things don't seem much better. But I pray that they will get better. H is definitely my long lost sister at heart, and T has become like a brother to me. Their relationship has been anything but "traditional and average" but at the heart of things, they love each other. I just pray that they can see past this difficult stage in their marriage, and see the love that they have for one another. I am reminded of the following passage...
Love is patient;
Love is kind;
Love is not envious
Or boastful
Or arrogant
Or rude.
It does not insist on its own way;
It is not irritable or resentful;
It does not rejoice in wrongdoing,
But rejoices in the truth.
It bears all things,
Believes all things,
Hopes all things,
Endures all things.
- Corinthians 13:4-7
I pray for my friends. That they find the peace and love that was once the center of their relationship. There will be ups and downs in their marriage, but their love will endure all things. I love you both. I pray for you every single day. And I have the faith that you will make it past these dark days.
Ciao!
XOXO
♥Lola
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