Thursday, August 6, 2009

Too Much

I am beginning to think that I have bitten off too much. You know, were life is concerned. I have absolutely no money. $21.57 sits in the bank. And I have $1.49 in my purse. That is it.

The last book order went in yesterday. And if I want to buy books in time for the beginning of the semester, the entire $3500 payment is due on Friday. Yes, this Friday. There is really nothing left for me to do. I am refusing to borrow money from anyone. And I just made a $550 payment for my internship last week. So, I am going to try to do this semester with no books. Oh, and no computer. Because I don't have the money for a computer...or for internet service.

This week has been one for the books. I have argued with my dad. I thought we were on the same page. I guess not! And then J and I got into a big fight yesterday. Why do these guys think that I am powerless? Or a damsel in distress? I am not! Whatever sacrifices I have to make, I will make. I don't need to hang all over someone for help. If I fail miserably at life, it is going to be my fault. It will not be the fault of my dad, J, or the dean.

Then this morning, I am on my way home from work. It has been an unbelievable day at work. And sitting outside my house is J and Sancho. Screw it, I just kept driving and parked my car at the park. I made the mile walk to the library at school. And now I sit here. I am so frustrated with people! Can't they just let me make these decisions for myself?

Wasn't it bad enough when I had to borrow money from J last week? Wasn't that bad enough? Sometimes I wonder. At some point, I have to come to terms that I just can't afford this. And as much as my dad wants to help me...he can't. I wish he would understand that. I seem to be the only one using my brain right now. The only one thinking clearly. You know, he has a business to worry about. And I am a 26 year old woman. If I can't get it together...then I don't deserve to go to school. I really don't.

Right now, I am an emotional basket case. I have never cried so much in my life. Not sleeping and not eating are not helping either. And I just have to somehow get through all of this. At least get through the next 2 weeks. My new plan...go to work, come home, lock myself away in my house, go to work, repeat. I am going to avoid my friends as much as humanly possible. Considering we have that wedding this weekend, it is going to be tough. And I work for J. But I am no longer going to answer the phone...or the door. I just need to get through these 2 weeks.



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